IF you deconverted in midlife, can you help?

[Dragonfly]

I'm one of the life-long atheists but I do fear death. I guess I'm atypical of atheists in that I'm not okay with the fact that I don't have the power to live as long as I want to. I have nothing but derision at attempts to sugar-coat this.

As far as dealing with it, I guess it's the same as dealing with anything negative that's out of our control. There is no sense complaining that rain is wet or that it gets so damn hot here in Phoenix. There's just no point in focusing on negatives we currently have no ability to do anything about.

I appreciate your honesty. Yeah, for me the end is like an hourglass that I can't help viewing as half-empty. It's like a shadow that's always on my mind. I try not to focus on it, but I have a lot of trouble with that. 

Fear of Hell

Existential angst/crisis

Fear of dying -

I became an atheist when I was 50, almost 51, but that last step wasn't difficult for me.  By then, I was ready for it.  

My struggle came six years earlier, after I gave up studying Sufi mysticism, which had engaged my attention for most of 25 years.  For several years afterwards I was semi-depressed and had occasional panic attacks.  I worried I would go to hell.  I was also very unhappy about the time and efforts I had wasted, and how I had made myself a worse person rather than a better person.  During most of that time, I diverted my attention with work and reading.  At one point I read Lord of the Rings twice through; when I finished I started over again.  I just figured my habitual mind needed time to wear out old habits of thought.  I stuck by what I considered true no matter what my fears said.  Ultimately my fears wore away, and once I discovered atheist literature I was able to put all my old demons to bed for good.

However, I don't think we ever get over the fear of dying.  When the time comes, if the suffering becomes too much I will find some easy out.  I don't want to become a financial, emotional, or physical burden to my wife or others.

I'm 50 as well. I didn't know Sufi mysticism had a Hell. Sad that your process took several years. I wish I had work as a distraction, but I am off work due to health problems. I need to find some kind of thing that will be a passion and a distraction from all of this, but I'm still searching for it. The quoted part I colored blue really grabbed me. You're right--they're habits! They're patterns of thought like grooves on an old record. "I stuck by what I considered true no matter what my fears said." I really want to be able to say this. I added this quote to the desktop of my computer where I'll see it frequently. Thank you.