IF you deconverted in midlife, can you help?

[Dragonfly]

In my case I turned Atheist just a monthss before turning 19 (or 20, no sure). It was somewhat difficult indeed. It was a decision that took me a few days to make.

Regarding your questions:

1. I never feared hell. No even when I was a believer. Probably because I thought I was going to heaven. Curiously, I was afraid of this idea of immortality. The idea of living forever in heaven was scary, not comforting. In your case, you were probably deeply indoctrinated so the fear is part of you. I would recommend you to simply ignore those ideas and move on with your life. Or just meditate. And as you made hell part of yourself, erase it from yourself.

2. After becoming an atheist, I went through a phase of filling "holes" and acceptance of the inevitable. For example: the fact that I would never see my parents after they die. It is necessary to fill those "holes" that religion used to fill for you with fake hopes. This is something you have to do yourself. You can seek for advice, etc., but at the end, it is you who has to overcome your existential crises.

3. I fear death a little and the process of dying. I hope my death is fast. If I ever have to face a painful reality I hope to have the strenght to commit suicide. Now, telling you to commit suicide in case of terrible odds may be not be best option (but it is there). Death makes me sad mostly. Because I would like to see the future before doing. Based on the scientific progress  it feels like our generation will be one of the lasts ones to die, which also saddens me, deeply. But you just need to accept it. Have you ever seen a cropse crying? Because I havent. Dying is just like falling sleep. Once it happens, you wont notice it. See it that way.

1. So far I haven't been able to deliberately erase the fears of hell and move on with my life, so I'm trying to find answers or something that will help me. When you say meditate and erase hell from myself, how do I do this? 

2. What kinds of things do you fill the holes with? I am very depressed about losing my elderly parents soon and just the reality that there is no God. I wake up every day and feel this overwhelming sense of loss. I don't want to get out of bed. I am seeing a psychologist who was raised in a cult, and I'm trying to get help with the sense of grief. 

3. Yes, suicide is an option. I've thought about doing that someday if I get some very painful terminal illness. Death makes me very sad. I'm 50. The future looks very bleak. I will get aches and pains, lose strength, maybe lose thinking skills (I've been diagnosed with a neurocognitive disorder), and lose independence and dignity. What do I have to look forward to? I have no children. I've seen only one person die, and for the most part he died peacefully. I'm not sure he even knew he was dying. He just sort of wound down to where he basically went unconscious, and then his heart rate and breathing slowed until they ceased. However, as a nursing student I had a patient who was fully cognizant during my shift and suddenly took a turn for the worse. She was dying although she was conscious. She clung to my hand and said, "Don't leave me. I don't want to die alone." For her, it wasn't like falling asleep, I don't think. I fear that my death will be like that, and I will be filled with fear. 

One of the big questions and fears that I have is how to cope with aging as someone who doesn't believe in God. As you're losing your strength and independence, what do you have to look forward to? How do you deal with the impending extinction that will occur soon? If I were religious, I'd cling to religion and find some hope in that. As someone who doesn't believe in God, I don't know how to have the strength to face those realities in life. I don't hear of old atheists talking about dying soon, and I wish they would. If you have a video recommendation (or book, but I'd think that'd be less helpful), please do share.