Fundamental Independent Evangelical Bullshit, Suicide, and the Awakening of Truth

[DemonicBabyEater]

Holy shit. What an intro thread.

Welcome. Jack is my friend and now so are you. I truly hope you can close the door.

heh thank you. Honestly, as frustrating as it is, I have to remember to be thankful that I got this far. This has been terrifying. When the price for questioning even something as simple as "Did jesus feel pain when he was nailed to the cross?" can get you a stern look, questioning the existence of god is the ultimate "sin." So for now, I will stand here, catch my breath, enjoy the fact that I learned to think for myself, and breathe in the peace that is outside of that shit hole of religion. I'm glad to meet another friend along the way

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I am so sorry you have been through these things.  That's nearly as worthless as thought and prayers, I know but it's about all I have.  You certainly aren't to blame for what has happened and there is no god with a plan.  What there is - is people who make decisions that effect themselves and those around them by their actions.


My younger daughter's best friend from middle school was murdered by her husband when she was 28 years old.  He then called his mother to come pick up their three year old who was watching TV and eating cereal and he turned the gun on himself.  What kind of plan could there have been by a god?  These acts left five - count them - five children without one or both parents as they were a blended family.  My daughter and granddaughter were living with them at the time...my daughter has never recovered from the events of that day.  There are days I ache from the loss of both Tori and the damage done to my daughter and Tor's kids and stepkids.  

Just a few months ago the middle son of my older daughter's best friend shot himself.  He was a firefighter.  His family is shredded.


Losses like that are jarring.  They are difficult to recover from.  God has a plan is such an empty comment.  It means nothing.


Satan has nothing to do with any of this but the way you are feeling is called grief and it is not an easy thing to move past.  Stop thinking Satan has anything to do with what's going on in your head and your heart.  If you can, find a secular counselor to help you work through the steps of grief but realize that there will be times when the grief (not Satan) grabs you...often blindsiding you.  You mention depression...there is help for that too...with counseling and/or medication.  These are tough things to work through and live around and there's no shame in seeking help.

December 20th of every year sneaks up on me and lays me low...my first husband died at age 24 in a car accident...that was in 1984.  I was already away from the church but thought I needed to try again and that would help.  So I found a church and looked up the times of services (I was in a new city and state).  I dressed up, drove to the church, and found a seat and the service started...in Spanish...which I don't speak or understand.  I took it as a sign from the universe that as before there was no god talking to me.  


I am sure there are many people here who are willing to lend support.  Again, I am sorry you dealing with loss and pain on many levels.

Thank you. Words of any kind of encouragement and understanding are welcome, and I will add that I appreciate that you didn't judge the friend who shot her boyfriend before ending her own life. Again, what she did was so fucking wrong that it makes me sick, but that doesn't nullify who she was as a whole, and I am truly thankful that you weren't "one of those." I am also sorry for your losses... suicide never truly has a manual to prevent it, and it will never be understood. Even if there is a note left behind (I wish Anisha and Ray had left notes), it doens't answer everything. First responders in particular are where I want to focus my mental health career. I could go on and on about that, but we'd be here for an eternity.

As for guilt, that shit consumed me for the first 2 years. It got to the point that, when I did believe in the idea of god, I was convinced that if I took my own life, he would bring my friends back. I landed in a psych ward for 3 weeks. I no longer carry guilt, and never once did I believe that the devil was behind this. Unfortunately Anisha walked through her darkness alone, and she took Sean with her. My buddy, Ray, unfortunately walked through his darkness alone, too. They made choices. Anisha chose to pull that trigger, she chose to kill Sean. Sean chose to still come over even when he knew something was going on with her; he thought he could save her. Ray chose to walk out of that bar, away from people who love him, sit in his car, and shoot himself. Humans have free will, freedom of choice.

I chose for most of my life to fake my way to god. Then, I finally fit the pieces together.. the holes in the bible, the scientific facts that contradicted the things I was taught, the conflict of free will and some sky daddy's divine plan... It was only then that things began to make sense, and only then that i began to feel peace.

The default for the unknown shoudn't be a magical "sky daddy" with some mysterious divine plan. The comfort for loss shouldn't be that bullshit narrative. That almost invalidates the grief.

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I wanted to clear something up..

My realization that I don't accept the idea of god didn't come solely based on all the bad shit that has happened to me. It came from the holes in the bible, the scientific facts that contradicted what I was taught, the conflict between free will and some bullshit divine plan. The losses definitely helped procure the anger, but the doubt and lack of belief was always there. I just have a hard time wording certain things through writing, and I really didn't want to get too much into my life, because explaining other things would mean explaining even more personal stuff about myself that I'm really not comfortable doing yet. Nothing bad- just the BBQed babies :p