Deconversion and some doubts

[HappySkeptic]

Hey guys!

I was raised Roman Catholic, at moments I was definitely believing some of this stuff. For example, I tried to stay away from masturbation (not really succeed ), thought that sex desires are somehow sinful and sex before marriage is bad. After moving out to college I went to church handful of times and after confronting my beliefs with my atheist (at the time) roommate I started to seeing how it all could be false.

It's been around 3 years I started deconverting and I'm still not fully atheist. I feel like religion is still capturing my mind. I know that to some of you some of this stuff might sound pretty silly, but maybe some of exbelievers will be able to help me to sort it out.

Okay, so for the starters I find almost no logical reason to believe in god. Like I can see how someone can find pro-theistic arguments convincing when they start from the position that deity exist, but all of them can be easily refuted.

But I have all these feelings. Like anything that is frowned upon by Catholic church is bad, that I know that Christianity is true, that I'm trying to delude myself from truth, that afterlife exists, that atheist are wrong... it's really messing with me. Like if it's all false, why than am I still experiencing this? I'm in my early twenties, I want to have the best time of my life, party, have sex and stuff But there is still this voice in the back of my head, and though I'm trying to do these things, they are accompanied by worries and guilt. I would like to be convinced that god doesn't exist and start living my only life, but I have this inner block. I'm in the constant battle with myself over this. Also I'm really confused and scared why I feel this way.

Can anyone relate? Any tips? If it's also okay in later posts I will question you about some of my doubts about atheism in later posts. Thanks!

As others have said, religions and cultures condition our emotional responses.  That can be a good thing (obey the law, assuming it is a good law, etc.), or it can be oppressive.

When I truly stopped believing, a weight was lifted.  I knew I didn't believe, and that heaven and hell are made-up.  Sure, a "what if you're wrong" thought popped into my head once in a while, but it didn't bother me too much.

Heaven is a ludicrous idea.  I would rather be true-dead than live an eternity in a place where nothing ever happens.  As for reincarnation, Buddhism was formed specifically out of the horror of the idea of an eternal cycle of rebirth and suffering (they wanted to escape it, not that it exists anyway).  Hell is a product of our own guilt, and can possibly be a place on Earth for some, but after death, not so much.

I am 99.987% sure there is no life after death.  On the off chance I'm wrong, what is the chances that the belief in some dogma, created by ignorant priests and religion-pushers from one particular sect, of all those on Earth, is the magic spell that allows everlasting happiness?  What arrogance!