To those who were once believers and are now atheists, some advice?

[*Deidre*]

I don't want to get all *emotional* here, but over the past few years, since I've slowly departed from Christianity, and finally all religion -- I've lost three (what I thought) good friends. They are Christian. The first two were sort of gradual, you know, not returning calls, texts, etc. But, this last one was a very abrupt ending. She never let on really that my 'choice' was going to be a problem for her.

I'd be lying if I said this didn't bother me. When we make choices in life, we may lose people over them. I can sit here and say all day long, 'yea, well, fuck them. They weren't my real friends, I guess.' But, it still hurts. I miss their friendship. And I could also sit here and say, 'yea, Christians are phony, etc...' But, when you lose good friends, you just miss them.

So, I just wanted to ask you all, if you experienced anything similar, with loved ones, significant others, and/or friends, and how did you handle it? Did your friendships/relationships ever recover?

[Cinjin]

I lost only one friend and admittedly, it was sad.
But what does the loss of that friend tell you? It tells me that worshiping a god is more important than following the example of that god. Now what does that tell you? It tells me that my friendship was always conditional and thus ... sadly, expendable.

You see the truth is, true friendship would go far beyond a belief structure and the proof of this is that even I, a vocal objector to religion, have many good friends who can serve their silly god and still call me friend.

Now I look back on the friend I lost and realize that his friendship towards me was never anything more than self-serving and upon that reflection, I feel happiness in the fact that I have left the darkness behind.

[OGirly]

I lost a good friend when I left Islam. Her and I were, at least I thought, very close. It was really abrupt as well, and I'd have to say the lack of closure made it extremely difficult. I could understand if she had told me or at least talked to me about not wishing to be friends anymore, but simply just ending the friendship out of nowhere is hard to swallow. Sadly I can't say the relationship ever recovered. We tried to meet up for lunch one day a few months back, but it wasn't the same. We both had been very religious, and spent a lot of our time together at the masjid helping with programmes etc. We just couldn't find much in common anymore as Islam really is the fulcrum of her life, and when we were friends it dominated both of our lives.

I can say though that since I left my religion, and have had more time to devote to other interests (organisations at university etc) I've met new friends who have similar interests as me. Learning to accept the reality that people come into our lives and also leave our lives really helps make things like this easier. That friend was there for you when you needed her, and you were there for her. People grow apart. It hurts, but it's natural. Hang in there. You'll meet new friends. They won't replace your old friends, but they will be great in their own right

[Simon Moon]

This must be hard to deal with on a personal level.

Since I was never a very strong theist, I didn't have too many friends that I would have had this problem with. To this day, I have several Christian friends I go surfing with on a weekly basis, and usually a once a year 1-2 week surfing trip to another country. We have no problems.

As Teresa McBain, ex-pastor, now atheist (and member of the Clergy Project), put it (I'm paraphrasing), "the loss almost feels like several friends and family members were in the same plane that crashed. I had to deal with the loss of many people that were close to me at once". Before I heard her say this, I didn't really take your plight too seriously, but after, it really hit home what the loss would feel like.

[Chad32]

I haven't lost friends from being an atheist, mostly because not a whole lot of people know it, but I've lost friends for other reason. It does hurt a bit, but that's life. You just need to get through it, and having some people around to talk to helps with it. I guess I don't have any specific advice, aside from just try to realize that this is a part of life.

[Minimalist]

I've lost three (what I thought) good friends.

Or...you lost three clowns who only accept people who think like they do.

[Rahul]

My wife told me a couple months ago that I needed o get out of the house once in a while and hang out with a friend.

I responded, "I haven't even talked to that guy in 3 years!"

[Brakeman]

I had lost a couple of friends but I got them back later after convincing them that I wasn't a bad bogey man in cahoots with Satan, I just saw many logical issues with the christian story.

I suggest that you address the "lost" friends in a humble way, telling them that you are struggling to understand the truth and you don't want to be mislead by anything that isn't actually true. Tell them that an atheist is simply someone who is not yet convinced of the god stories, nothing else. Then ask them why they believe in spite of A, B, C, etc..

You sometimes can break one away from the delusion. I've had success more than a couple of times.

[thesummerqueen]

So, I just wanted to ask you all, if you experienced anything similar, with loved ones, significant others, and/or friends, and how did you handle it? Did your friendships/relationships ever recover?

Honestly, no one ever blamed my atheism for a friendship ending. It just happened that the more I embraced being "out" in many contexts, the more I was also digging into skepticism and humanism and 'growing up,' and I began to lose contact with people who didn't think like I did. Min makes this sound like a bad thing, but really...would you want the friend who was all about guns and Jesus to hold on to you? I wouldn't have anything in common with those people.

The friends I 'lost' were the sort who post eagle and flag montages and shout "MURICA!" at every turn and praise god at the slightest blessing and generally act irrationally. At the time, I ranged between sadness because I thought they were great friends, and anger because they were being so frustrating. In the end, I realized the old dusty adage of "one door closes, another opens" was true. I really like the friends who have taken their place. It's not that they think completely like me - it's that they embrace rationalism, which means that the relationship can survive even if we disagree.

[*Deidre*]

I've read through your replies, they have all been really helpful, thank you! I have a saying, 'stay true to you.' And if that means losing 'friends,' so be it. Of course, within reason.

But, I haven't changed. I'm still the same exact person, the same good friend. Maybe someday, they'll come back. I don't know.

I can't help but wondered what glued us all together. Almost at times like the friendships just never happened at all.

---

I had lost a couple of friends but I got them back later after convincing them that I wasn't a bad bogey man in cahoots with Satan, I just saw many logical issues with the christian story.

I suggest that you address the "lost" friends in a humble way, telling them that you are struggling to understand the truth and you don't want to be mislead by anything that isn't actually true. Tell them that an atheist is simply someone who is not yet convinced of the god stories, nothing else. Then ask them why they believe in spite of A, B, C, etc..

You sometimes can break one away from the delusion. I've had success more than a couple of times.

This really touched me, I had to do a double take...Brakeman posted this? lol jk! This would be the kind thing to do I suppose, and I just may follow this advice.

@ summer queen, the range of emotions you mention, yes! I'm sort of angry about it all. You are right, what u say. And I have gained some fabulous new friendships during this whole thing, so that's true too!