Deconversion and some doubts

[mordant]

Hey guys!

I was raised Roman Catholic, at moments I was definitely believing some of this stuff. For example, I tried to stay away from masturbation (not really succeed ), thought that sex desires are somehow sinful and sex before marriage is bad. After moving out to college I went to church handful of times and after confronting my beliefs with my atheist (at the time) roommate I started to seeing how it all could be false.

It's been around 3 years I started deconverting and I'm still not fully atheist. I feel like religion is still capturing my mind. I know that to some of you some of this stuff might sound pretty silly, but maybe some of exbelievers will be able to help me to sort it out.

Okay, so for the starters I find almost no logical reason to believe in god. Like I can see how someone can find pro-theistic arguments convincing when they start from the position that deity exist, but all of them can be easily refuted.

But I have all these feelings. Like anything that is frowned upon by Catholic church is bad, that I know that Christianity is true, that I'm trying to delude myself from truth, that afterlife exists, that atheist are wrong... it's really messing with me. Like if it's all false, why than am I still experiencing this? I'm in my early twenties, I want to have the best time of my life, party, have sex and stuff But there is still this voice in the back of my head, and though I'm trying to do these things, they are accompanied by worries and guilt. I would like to be convinced that god doesn't exist and start living my only life, but I have this inner block. I'm in the constant battle with myself over this. Also I'm really confused and scared why I feel this way.

Can anyone relate? Any tips? If it's also okay in later posts I will question you about some of my doubts about atheism in later posts. Thanks!

Well Jake, welcome to AtheistWorld. You come looking for some empathy and pointers and after about 12 minutes you get a stem-winding esoteric philosophical debate about the nature of morality which is probably not very helpful or practical to your situation.

As a few helpful others said, your are the product of a lifetime of operant conditioning up to this point. Even absent a Catholic background, which is especially adept at producing guilt and self-doubt, it took me some years to pry my theistic thought habits out of my head with a crowbar. It is just something you have to be patient with (both the process, and yourself). It DOES get better.

Unfortunately, the philosophical debate here probably plays into the very fears that have been programmed into you -- that apart from the mother religion (or a "personal relationship" with god, or whatever), you will be adrift morally and ethically and directionally, like some kind of lost shade wandering the blasted heath of this world, doomed to make horrible mistakes.

In reality, moral decisions are generally simple applications of empathy to others (including yourself, past, present, AND future). Some things are kind and beneficial and some are ugly and harmful. I left my evangelical faith in my mid 30s, and there was nothing generally wrong with the morality I had been taught, and that morality in no way left me when I left the faith. The truth is, my morality was a little overdetermined, and benefitted from pulling the religious stick out of my ass, particularly with respect to sexual matters. But understand that you're basically good to go already to be a positively contributing member of society, and there's no mojo from your faith that enables that. It is just habits you already developed, most of which serve you well, and which can remain in place, although the motivation / reasoning behind them may shift.

Yes you'll feel wrong and bad and guilty and even perhaps ashamed off and on for some time, but over time you'll see that the sky doesn't fall, the center holds, and you just keep on keeping on.