[Serious] Relationships: Finding your perfect match and then losing them.

[Porcupine]

So true. But what is so sad, for me, is that I had such a rare utopia but lost it. So then, on that premise, my question is: now what?

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I don't see how anything went over his head. It's simply true that AM couldn't apply to my situation any less.

What is goodness?

I don't see how that's relevant to what he said. It's still true that AM isn't appropriate for me merely from what I said I was interested in and from what I said my situation is. Regardless of how we conceive of goodness or whether it's subjective or objective, etc. Quoting a separate topic that a started in a completely separate thread and throwing back at me doesn't make your suggestion any less inappropriate.

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well I am a soft determinist on a lot of things.  Let me see if I can be more precise. You expect to have a maximum of 10 actual relationships. It doesn't necessarily follow that the maximum possible relationships are 10 as well. You're not factoring in the time to build relationships or the opportunities that you are probably blind to.

But I've already factored in the fact that I could have more than 10 relationships in my life or less than 10. Having a lot more than 10 doesn't seem realistic. 10 seems like a reasonable average.

And it certainly is the case that if I will[' have a maximum of 10 relationships then the bond doesn't contain more than 10 people.

I'm positing that there are 100000 possible relationships you could have, but you only have time and energy to devote to making 10 of those actual and meaningful relationships.

But I'm talking about actual meaningful relationships. I'm not talking about just mere people I meet or interact with.

So I'll put it this way: if I am only able to have the time and energy to devote to making 10 of my relationships meaningful, as you suggest, then the pool of meaingful relationships is merely 10.

If you find building relationships to be meaningful, as an exercise and of itself, then there can be joy in exploring the 99,990. It might surprise you how many people out there could be a match.

Attempting to build a relationship and failing is overall a frustration for me. I'm interested in my actually successful attempts at having meaningful relationships which, like you say, could indeed be 10, as I suggest. I'm not interested in my failed attempts. Even if I enjoy building relationships .... I enjoy it merely because I have the false hope for the relationship to become meaningful. And it's false hope in all but 10 occasions.

One of the things hunkering down in a relationship and a routine does for us is it focuses our attention on the person to improve qualitative communication. This addes blinders to the quantitative possibilities outside our current focus. I hope that clears up my stance and I hope you're not too depressed about your situation.

I'm still not understanding. I also don't know what you mean by a soft determinist. Unless you mean you're a compatabilist?

It is still the case that you seem to be conceding that it may be realistic to say that I'll successfully build 10 actual meaningful relationships. And this is what I mean by saying that it's not far-fetched at all for it to be the case that I've already had the most meaningful of those 10. So, they may be meaningful, but the rest may indeed all be second best. And we're such a crazily good match that it's not at all unrealistic, as far as I'm, concerned, that I've already found the best of those 10.

And, sure the remaining 7 are still actually meaningful (this was my 3rd) ... but more meaningful than being single? I don't think so.

Why? Because just as the bad times can help us appreciate the good times ... the very good times can prevent us from appreciating the moderately good times. The fact that I have very, very, very likely found the best relationship I will ever have, already, .... makes me unable to appreciate the future relationships and thereby makes me better off being single and keeps me depressed.

I am depressed. But, I'm not too depressed.

I'll be happy if she gets back with me. I'll remain depressed if she doesn't. For the rest of my life. But I'll still be okay. I won't feel okay. But I'll be okay. I'll stay alive and I'll stay out of hospital.

Sure, I won't be fit for work. But I'll get by.