Theists: What is your stance on evolution?

[Paleophyte]

Young Earth Creationism doesn't work because you need vast amounts of time for various physical processes to have occurred during. Trying to get them to work quickly requires violating the fundamental forces of the universe and/or a deity that's a liar.

Old Earth Creationism doesn't work because humans appear on the scene only recently. Trying to create them at some dim time in the past and hold them static over geological time without a single fossil gets ridiculous. More so when you try and explain away all those pesky similarities we share with the chimps and our other primate cousins. The entire fossil record ends up a nasty joke and the less said about genetic phylogeny the better.

Intelligent Design doesn't work because it's just creationism of one form or another wearing a fake moustache and suffers the same flaws.

Theistic Evolution doesn't work because it requires a god that ignores millions of years of barbarity and suffering before finally doing anything about it, and then only for a few paleolithic goat herders in the Sinai Penninsula.

What other conclusion:  The brain started functioning without a blueprint for its development, and the mind and consciousness came after the physical organ?  Well, obviously, after infinity was transversed, energy and matter decided to get together without a cause to do so. 

I don't get it thus gawd? Have fun with those strawmen. If there was a blueprint for the brain then your god would be on the hook for even more barbarities than he manifestly already is. Seriously, what sane deity hardwires a sentient species for tribalism? That mess in your head is clearly organic and has nothing to do with design.

By the way, what was that first thought before language development?

The first rudimentary thought was likely 'I Hunger' and took no language whatsoever.