How do I deal with the belief that maybe... Just maybe... God exists and I'm...

[Gentle_Idiot]

Someone who's worried that something may exist can't be certain that it doesn't exist.

I think that you need to make a distinction between emotion and reason; some of us, myself included, were abused as children with descriptions of hellfire.

I'm actually not one of those people who suffered that kind of nightmare. At worst, I was simply told that bad deeds will lead to a heart-attack (no joke). But as far as a ranting pastor or clergyman talking vivid descriptions of hellfire... I'm glad it didn't happen to me...

The true torment are the restrictions placed by the church, and then looking at it all from a distance and realizing I have to bite my tongue and let the stupidity come out of their mouths. That's my own suffering right there.