You have just given a graphic description of what Bart Ehrman calls the gospel of Markmatthewlukejohn. This is what happens when you try to cram all 4 of these horseshit stories into one.
The result is a compilation of stupidity which should make a xtian blush...except they are immune to embarrassment.
The result is a compilation of stupidity which should make a xtian blush...except they are immune to embarrassment.