Chritstianity ruined my life tbh

[Ace Otana]

I became xtian at 16 , I'm 23 now, and before I was a happy normal guy
But that is when my mental problems started. Id randomly start crying and wanted to die.
Joined airforce after hs, got discharged after a year for suicidal personality.
Worked like 6 jobs that year, all fired/quit from mental breakdowns.
Been trying to do college, I join every year but havnt finished a semster cuz the breakdowns.
And I have been in treatment sincfe my af discharge. I do my best but I know god hates me and wants me to suffrr
I even try being agnostic but he still fuks me
I finally got a job at retail, yesterday wsa my second day and I again became suicidal and just left.

I can't live and I can't die - this is truly being fuked by god. There is no escape for me. Or hope. My grandma always told me, when god punishes us, he ties us up first so we can't escape.

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If god loves me, why did he make me bipolar?
Tthats like telling a friend, "let me cut off one of ur arms, but its cool cuz ill help u do stuff sometimes"

Ok, it seems that you're getting very worked up by this whole religious thing. Obsessed about the idea that this god has it in for you.
Now I think the first thing you should do is distance yourself from religion. It's a load of bollocks to begin with. There is nothing to fear when it comes to religion. You're not going to hell, it doesn't exist. You're perfectly safe.

Focus on what you want out of life. Who do you want to be and how do you wish to live your life. What you do is entirely up to you. Put aside religion and focus on your life. You seem completely afraid of the idea of being harmed by this 'god' through hell. So, I think you should remove such ideas from your head. They have no basis in reality. It's religious nonsense made to scare people into religion. Ignore it.
Distance yourself from it. You do need to seek professional help.