Convert me!

[Kayenneh]

An easy answer to lifes hard questions

Tut, tut, that's lazy. Many of the hard questions can at the moment only be answered by "we don't know", but instead one can go out there and find out.

a(broadly) functional moral code to live by

Right, the same moral code that demands that I as a women should not speak when a congregation of men is present. No thank you. The golden rule is not hard to live by and Jesus was most definitely not the first one who thought of it.

and something to cuddle when I get afraid of the dark

It's always hard to be afraid, but once you relinquish that control over your life and realize that there are things you can't manage, that some things are random and no-one but yourself is looking after you, you can just chill and always make the best of your situation.

I've heard religion described as a crutch and I think that's true. If I decide not to believe in god any longer, to throw away the crutch are there any upsides to replace all that stuff?

As it has been said already, you don't need a crutch, you have been standing on your own all this time without knowing it.
And I see religion as a comfort blanket, not a crutch. It might keep you warm, but pull it over your head and you will not see anything beyond your own nose.