Maybe I never was a Christian?

[Dumac Dwarfking]

I desperately wanted it to be true. I convinced myself that it was real. I was standing in the desert pretending I was in the ocean.

So you only thought you could speak in tongues (?) because otherwise it would just be some nut speaking in gibberish to himself.

I was just speaking gibberish to myself. The pastor told me to let the spirit fill me and just let the spirit flow from my tongue. I made up words and repeated them. I thought up the words, I new I did, but I thought God would find his way through the gibberish. I know how convincing blind belief of something can be, convincing doesn't make it true. When people get goosebumps during prayer, while that melodic music played in the background, we were told that was holy spirit washing over us. I also got goosebumps at the end of the movie, Gladiator, was that also the holy spirit?