Maybe I never was a Christian?

[Creed of Heresy]

I desperately wanted it to be true. I convinced myself that it was real. I was standing in the desert pretending I was in the ocean.

So you only thought you could speak in tongues (?) because otherwise it would just be some nut speaking in gibberish to himself.

Wow, you're so close to ACTUALLY GETTING IT! C'mon, just think about it a liiiiittle bit more and you will finally understand...