My Loss of faith has caused severe depression
June 5, 2013 at 9:29 pm
(This post was last modified: June 5, 2013 at 9:32 pm by Aran.)
I was born into a largely irreligious household. My younger brother, father and grandfather were staunch atheists, my grandmother veered towards deism. Only my mother expressed the slightest modicum of faith in a God.
At the age of 12, I embraced the Sikh religion. At the time I didn't understand the reason for my radical transition from agnostic to born-again believer, and in my childish ignorance I attributed it to the will of a divine being, who injected new-found faith into my life. I don't know why exactly I became a Sikh. All I know is that it made me feel truly happy.
I lived in contentment as a Sikh for four years. But I never actually pondered over the philosophy to which I subscribed. I simply accepted it. When I turned 16 however, I became inquisitive. I had questions. I turned to the priests at my temple to satiate my curiosity. Their responses were utterly pathetic, full of empty rhetoric, unsatisfying. And so I began to delve through the scriptures in search of answers. As I analysed their contents, I was confronted with an ever growing number of doubts. It became increasingly difficult to justify and believe in the tenets of my scripture. I was at breaking point. The lack of answers and my swelling doubts plunged my mind into chaos. I prayed so hard, I begged all powerful God to dispel doubt from my mind. I struggled in this way for a year.
I chanced upon a book in a bookshop one day, A.C Grayling's God Argument. This book was the final nail in the coffin for my faith in Sikhism. It forced me to confront a harsh reality, that I had misinterpreted the sense of community and fellowship that I had derived from becoming a Sikh as having built a relationship with a deity. I was an atheist. I didn't want to be an atheist. I didn't want to lose my faith, the foundation of my existence. But I couldn't ignore the facts. I just couldn't believe in it.
I thought I would have more freedom as a result of my de-conversion. But one depression was traded for another. My Sikh faith had been my rock for four years. It had made me happy, instilled me with purpose. An optimism in humankind.
But now my world-view is dim and pessimistic. There is no objective morality in the atheist universe. There is no such thing as goodness. It has no inherent value. Human nature appears increasingly dark and selfish to me. Our lives have no meaning. Everything is chaos.
I am on the brink. Please help
At the age of 12, I embraced the Sikh religion. At the time I didn't understand the reason for my radical transition from agnostic to born-again believer, and in my childish ignorance I attributed it to the will of a divine being, who injected new-found faith into my life. I don't know why exactly I became a Sikh. All I know is that it made me feel truly happy.
I lived in contentment as a Sikh for four years. But I never actually pondered over the philosophy to which I subscribed. I simply accepted it. When I turned 16 however, I became inquisitive. I had questions. I turned to the priests at my temple to satiate my curiosity. Their responses were utterly pathetic, full of empty rhetoric, unsatisfying. And so I began to delve through the scriptures in search of answers. As I analysed their contents, I was confronted with an ever growing number of doubts. It became increasingly difficult to justify and believe in the tenets of my scripture. I was at breaking point. The lack of answers and my swelling doubts plunged my mind into chaos. I prayed so hard, I begged all powerful God to dispel doubt from my mind. I struggled in this way for a year.
I chanced upon a book in a bookshop one day, A.C Grayling's God Argument. This book was the final nail in the coffin for my faith in Sikhism. It forced me to confront a harsh reality, that I had misinterpreted the sense of community and fellowship that I had derived from becoming a Sikh as having built a relationship with a deity. I was an atheist. I didn't want to be an atheist. I didn't want to lose my faith, the foundation of my existence. But I couldn't ignore the facts. I just couldn't believe in it.
I thought I would have more freedom as a result of my de-conversion. But one depression was traded for another. My Sikh faith had been my rock for four years. It had made me happy, instilled me with purpose. An optimism in humankind.
But now my world-view is dim and pessimistic. There is no objective morality in the atheist universe. There is no such thing as goodness. It has no inherent value. Human nature appears increasingly dark and selfish to me. Our lives have no meaning. Everything is chaos.
I am on the brink. Please help
