Not coming out, but not hiding it anymore

[Fruity]

We were at a cultural diversity training from work and the speaker had the brilliant idea of doing an activity to "open our minds". He set us up in a straight horizontal line. He asked questions and depending on our answers we had to give a certain amount of steps back or front. For example, if you are white, give two steps forward. If you are Christian, give one step forward. If you are atheist, give two steps back. If your parents went to college, give one step forward. Etcetera. At the end, depending on where you were, you would have an idea of how your culture helped your opportunities in society.

Well, he asked, "If you are LGBTQ and you have already come out, take two steps back." The girl next to me said, "Fuck him." And she took two steps back. I looked at her and she wanted to cry.

So I took two steps back.

My heart was racing. I am not out. I was far from out. I'm 28 and I'm a loser because I'm not out yet. The thing is that I was out of the closet back in California, but when my mother heard a story about me driving around with my girlfriend, she freaked out. So, I went back in the closet when I moved to Arizona. I thought, deny-deny-deny. Then I got married, had my two kids, and this whole time I thought it was not necessary to come out again as a bisexual woman.

Until now. There was my co-worker feeling horrible because she had to be true to herself even though she was scared to be public about it. I couldn't be a coward. I took those two steps back and looked at her and the look in her face was priceless. Only the speaker and one colored, poor, agnostic co-worker saw me. Nobody else did. I was way in the back anyway and each time he asked something it seemed my opportunities in society kept getting thinner and thinner. I guess that what I have accomplished has been by my effort and not by what my family, race, lack of religion, or sexuality has given me.

So, anyway. I decided to not come out, per se, since I didn't see the need. I'm fuckin' married to a man. Our relationship could end one day, and I'd like to be free to be myself instead of facing divorce, plus coming out. So, I will not hide it, either. I have to be truthful. Stand up for me not as an ally, but an actual bisexual woman. Saying I stand up for something unrelated to me when in reality it does relate is a lie. It's bullshit. So, I'm not giving people the power of going up to them with the, "We need to talk," speech, but I'm doing other things to throw out clues. My nails have the red equality sign. Got a tattoo speaking of equality (wore shirts that showed it off, since I like it so much). Convinced co-workers to go with me to a gay pride parade coming up. And also answered the following to my lesbian co-worker who took two steps back (knowing she might go around and tell), "I wasn't just trying to make you feel better. I am Bi-sexual."

Do I regret it? No. Am I terrified? Yes. Not of what other people at work or anywhere else will think. I'm terrified of family wars. I will take baby steps at home. Baby steps are better than being stranded. It's never too late to be honest.

So here's a pic of my tattoo. Blue eye for my baby, green eye for my oldest kid. Ying and Yang for the balance of both sides of my personality (I'm fucked up, I know). Skulls, because underneath we're all the same. The owl in representation of my quest for enlightenment. And the message (Equality rests in our bones), well, you know. Skulls represent that, too. I'd tell you to wish me luck with everything, but wishes don't come true. I'm just glad hell doesn't exist, because I'd be wasted bacon.