Hell of a tale, Futile. And no, there is no forgiving someone like that and no real point to it either as he is dead and past caring. It would be phony forgiveness like these xtians telling all their problems to thin air and acting all holy afterwards.
But there is a cost to carrying these memories around in your head and it is a cost that you bear alone. I have a friend, a very close friend even though she is a nutty baptist. When she was 14 her father was murdered during a convenience store robbery. The shooter died of AIDS in prison but eventually the accomplices were eligible for parole and every two years she and her mother would dutifully go testify at the parole board opposing parole. Eventually she came to realize that the burden of preparing for the hearing and reliving the incident was tearing them apart. Everyone else at the hearing was playing a part in a mini-drama but for her and her mom the pain was real...not a state-imposed job requirement. She never forgave anybody but she simply stopped going to the hearings. The State never paroled them anyway and both died in prison as well. But the pain was in the resistance and by ceasing to tear the wound open she was able to move on with her life.
You didn't mention if you had talked to a therapist but it might do some good. Right now, it sounds as if the only one who is suffering is you. That's a harsh burden to bear.
But there is a cost to carrying these memories around in your head and it is a cost that you bear alone. I have a friend, a very close friend even though she is a nutty baptist. When she was 14 her father was murdered during a convenience store robbery. The shooter died of AIDS in prison but eventually the accomplices were eligible for parole and every two years she and her mother would dutifully go testify at the parole board opposing parole. Eventually she came to realize that the burden of preparing for the hearing and reliving the incident was tearing them apart. Everyone else at the hearing was playing a part in a mini-drama but for her and her mom the pain was real...not a state-imposed job requirement. She never forgave anybody but she simply stopped going to the hearings. The State never paroled them anyway and both died in prison as well. But the pain was in the resistance and by ceasing to tear the wound open she was able to move on with her life.
You didn't mention if you had talked to a therapist but it might do some good. Right now, it sounds as if the only one who is suffering is you. That's a harsh burden to bear.
