I'm an atheist,but spirituality scrambled my thoughts.

[FractalEternalWheel]

I have never believed in god, I was raised this way to follow science evidence and logic,but I have been struggling to understand life why are we here,whats our mission,...I first studied nihilism but I got very depressed because of it views (maybe because they are true).So I got my hands on some "spiritual" books and they gave me some kind of comfort after reading them they showed me life in a different view,Its like I have been kissed by an lie. But I keep rethinking the things that books say and some of the things the book say clashes with my rational logic. But now I'm trapped in between if I return to my atheist views I will return to my sad,depressed,whats the point me but if I turn to spirituality I give reason to my life,I feel more happy, more alive,... Hope you can give me some help and advice. I'm still a teen so maybe this growing up thing is messing with my brain.I have also experimented with high marijuana and salvia dose and mushrooms and I hallucinated landscapes,I talked to the beings that were living there.,People say that those drugs mess up the normal functioning of the brain but if they mess up your brain you wouldn't see pure landscapes,beings you would just see some random colors,sounds,...flashes I have hard time explain psychedelic drugs I like to think that they connect us to other planet and being,can someone explain this. (I don't want to hear that stories about the harmful use of psychedelics drugs)

Thanks