It's been pretty bitter sweet. It's sometimes overwhelming when I actually have the ability to think for myself now. The best way do describe it is like jumping into a pool of ice cold water. So cool and and refreshing a host day but sometimes my body can't handle it.
It's beautiful to be myself and think for myself but for the past two weeks I've hit another depressive dip. I know it'll go back up again though. Just this transition is quite emotionally draining.
My wife is a couple steps behind me, she finally hit the "my family will never be understanding" realization. It hurts me to see her hurt. But I'm glad I can be there for her. Her family is apostolic, so she's had quite the difficult religious experience her whole life. I really admire her. She's now agnostic, I'm atheist.
But anyways. I've just been depressed. But this depression is so much easier to deal with than in the past. I don't have people saying it's because of sin, or I have to pray, or need Jesus, or some bullshit like that in the past.
I can now just do real things like meditate (secular- the act of slowing down, taking a couple deep breaths, trying to clear my mind, address negative emotions, love myself for a while, focus on my low self esteem and insecurities), I can play my piano, I can excersize, I take my meds, go on a hike, study science, build websites and learn more code, wander the beautiful city of San Diego, and I wait for my therapist appointment on the 20th and I need to talk to her about my suicidal ideation. All these things give me hope. The depression is so much easier to deal with without the distraction of riddiculous religious remedies, especially mormon remedies.
I'm atheist but I like to study other religions and to tell you the truth, I sometimes hope it'll make sense and I'll have that eureka moment.
Yesterday I was kind of hoping for that and bought this book from the Self Realization Fellowship on the autobiography of their "guru." Ugh, what a dissapointment. I like yoga too as an exercise but it's religious implications just make me depressed.
I'm just glad there is atheist's down here in San Diego that I'm becoming friends with because sometimes I feel really guilty and broken that Ib can't believe in a god, and that religion doesn't make sense to me.
Only science, and music, and nature, and my fellow human beings make sense to me. It's so real to me and makes me so happy, I find no importance in the supernatural. But I guess the 20 years of mormon teachings still linger in my mind, haunting me. The terrible experiences in the church linger behind me and it's stench sometimes paralyzes me.
Just so many regrets from being mormon, I didn't even have a choice and they indoctrinated me.
I've kind of lost my motivation this last two weeks, it'll come back though.
I'm mad at mormonism, christianity, and everything else. It depresses me.
Anyways, I'm just rambling right now, I'm a bit of a mess right now.
Plus, our only car is broken and I have to wait till thursday to fix it, that's when I get paid. And I don't make a lot of money. Only $10/hour. I'm just trying to make a better life for my wife. Trying to find a better job and a job closer. it's 60 miles round trip every time i go to work. We're always one paycheck away from being homeless basically, and we're always 2 weeks behind on bill. Plus I got fat. I stuff my feelings with shit food. I smoke sometimes and when I do I get sick of the nicotene. When I drink I drink to get drunk (once a week).
So whatever...I'll get through it. It's a monday anyways.
I hope all of you are having a nice monday.
It's beautiful to be myself and think for myself but for the past two weeks I've hit another depressive dip. I know it'll go back up again though. Just this transition is quite emotionally draining.
My wife is a couple steps behind me, she finally hit the "my family will never be understanding" realization. It hurts me to see her hurt. But I'm glad I can be there for her. Her family is apostolic, so she's had quite the difficult religious experience her whole life. I really admire her. She's now agnostic, I'm atheist.
But anyways. I've just been depressed. But this depression is so much easier to deal with than in the past. I don't have people saying it's because of sin, or I have to pray, or need Jesus, or some bullshit like that in the past.
I can now just do real things like meditate (secular- the act of slowing down, taking a couple deep breaths, trying to clear my mind, address negative emotions, love myself for a while, focus on my low self esteem and insecurities), I can play my piano, I can excersize, I take my meds, go on a hike, study science, build websites and learn more code, wander the beautiful city of San Diego, and I wait for my therapist appointment on the 20th and I need to talk to her about my suicidal ideation. All these things give me hope. The depression is so much easier to deal with without the distraction of riddiculous religious remedies, especially mormon remedies.
I'm atheist but I like to study other religions and to tell you the truth, I sometimes hope it'll make sense and I'll have that eureka moment.
Yesterday I was kind of hoping for that and bought this book from the Self Realization Fellowship on the autobiography of their "guru." Ugh, what a dissapointment. I like yoga too as an exercise but it's religious implications just make me depressed.
I'm just glad there is atheist's down here in San Diego that I'm becoming friends with because sometimes I feel really guilty and broken that Ib can't believe in a god, and that religion doesn't make sense to me.
Only science, and music, and nature, and my fellow human beings make sense to me. It's so real to me and makes me so happy, I find no importance in the supernatural. But I guess the 20 years of mormon teachings still linger in my mind, haunting me. The terrible experiences in the church linger behind me and it's stench sometimes paralyzes me.
Just so many regrets from being mormon, I didn't even have a choice and they indoctrinated me.
I've kind of lost my motivation this last two weeks, it'll come back though.
I'm mad at mormonism, christianity, and everything else. It depresses me.
Anyways, I'm just rambling right now, I'm a bit of a mess right now.
Plus, our only car is broken and I have to wait till thursday to fix it, that's when I get paid. And I don't make a lot of money. Only $10/hour. I'm just trying to make a better life for my wife. Trying to find a better job and a job closer. it's 60 miles round trip every time i go to work. We're always one paycheck away from being homeless basically, and we're always 2 weeks behind on bill. Plus I got fat. I stuff my feelings with shit food. I smoke sometimes and when I do I get sick of the nicotene. When I drink I drink to get drunk (once a week).
So whatever...I'll get through it. It's a monday anyways.
I hope all of you are having a nice monday.
"Just call me Bruce Wayne. I'd rather be Batman."
