Let's Just Say...

[Creed of Heresy]

Given that there's no actual description of heaven that's ever provided, and given that all Lucifer/Satan/Beelzebub/etc did was go "hey, you two. Pssst. That apple's REALLY good. Plus that guy up there, he's kind of a dick, trust me, I know," and given how god proved Lucifer right by cursing all humanity forever and kept going on mad, violent, bloodthirsty rampages, I'm gonna go ahead and say I'll throw my lot in with Mr. Elzebub. All we have to go on about hell is the bible and, well...history is written by the victor; history is filled with liars. By sheer numbers of the people who believe in god as opposed to the people who believe in the "devil," who got to write history, if all this bogus were true?

Jesus coming down and saying his death will save us all from a sin that his daddy placed on us to begin with and that we supposedly had been living with (and apparently still live with) because our distant ancestors made skydaddy mad because they ate a fucking apple, if this were all true, it sounds a lot more like god realizing that people hearing about him and his tendencies in the future might come off as really bad and might make them forsake him and the ol' rebellious bastard would make them all wake up to what skydaddy had done and will continue to do. And realizing that if the second war in heaven approaching comes around with the rebel having waaaay more souldiers [heh, see what I did there?] than he does, he's gonna get his ass beat. So like the masterfully manipulative dick he is (look at what he did to Job just to win a bet with Satan; seriously, the guy's a shit), he keeps claiming he's the omnipotent one but now he's all-loving and he forgives them, and they can go to his side, but only if they accept him via his son's sacrifice (or supposed sacrifice; there's not a lot of weight to a sacrifice when you come back to life or didn't even die in the first place!). And if they go to his side, it'll be REALLY nice!

There's no specifics about what's so nice about it, of course. Some vague, half-baked allusions that give nobody any clue whatsoever what heaven entails. But there's TONS of details about the torments and agonies and miseries and suffering! Even though prior to that, god neglected to mention anything about all that. And the details are so lurid and obscene, you can't help but wonder: Maybe it's intimate knowledge that god is using for these descriptions. No wonder he can't describe a place of good and compassion and harmony; he doesn't know the first fucking thing about it! He's been nothing but a temper-tantrum-throwing jealous genocidal maniac the entire time, meanwhile Satan's been sitting here going "Yo, maybe this guy is really, REALLY not the guy you want to be siding with." Supposedly Satan killed Job's family, with god saying "sure go ahead," but again, Job stuck with god, and it's about god we read about, not satan; history is written by the victory; history is written by liars.

And considering that was it, that was Satan's supposedly only killings (and it sounds a lot more like god trying to pin the crime on his enemy rather than admitting it was him, even though it was clearly his jealousy and paranoia that perhaps his most deluded follower might not be QUITE as deluded as he hoped that made him commit this sadistic act), and meanwhile god's just butchering people left, right, and center? And that it's god, not Satan, that is going to be the one who destroys the earth and kills everyone on it who isn't kissing his ass at that point?

I'm starting to think that what is supposedly hell is really the home of those who think and act for themselves and do their own thing throughout eternity without fear of a jealous sadist's petty retributions, and what is supposedly heaven is actually the hell of which the bible speaks of. And that when god destroys the earth, it's because it'll no longer be a source of his slaves, and in his usual fits of jealousy, he's gonna Dead everyone left on the planet at that point. Scorched earth policy. A common military strategy to deny your enemy resources when you can no longer hold them yourself: Destroy everything before you lose or otherwise quit the field. (Also, so much for that free will thing, huh? Be my mindless servant or supposedly you're gonna burn for eternity... Free will my ass!)

Sooo. No. I would not accept Jesus as my savior, because he is clearly a baited trap designed to lock people into an agonizing servitude throughout eternity at the hands of the REAL Great Enemy. I would reject him AND god and tell them to shove it up their ass. Then I'd go smoke a J with Satan, Christopher Hitchens, Neil deGrasse Tyson, and Carl Sagan and friends, and get some of that demon-girl booty...



UNF. Compared to THIS...



Fuck that noise, the sun gives you skin cancer, that should tell you all you need to know about that literal hell...

Also isn't the sun, supposedly the avatar of god or his embodiment or whatever, a fucking ball of hydrofusion, basically meaning it's LITERALLY HOT AS HELL?

Bright burning ball of hydrogen...red-skinned demon-chicks with big titties and a whole eternity to chill with all the coolest people from history, my life, and the future...

Doesn't take me long to figure out where the hell I'd wanna go.