A little bit of a personal crisis

[ignoramus]

To the OP.
We all have weird thoughts and pet theories.
I try to convince myself every other week of a different reason of why we exist!
In the end, I DO realise that they are just wishful thinking.
Why? Because if I cannot prove it , then it is obvious that it exists in my head only.

It seems to me that you are having trouble letting go of the (afterlife) remnants from being religious, and trying to fill the void with a more technical (godless) answer.
This doesn't make it any more real, my friend.

Also, to still say things like "deep down inside", still tells me that you haven't shrugged of the "mysterious soul" notion.

I believe you are half way there. The final step to being an atheist, is to accept science and discard all else. This means not filling in the god gaps with other unfalsifiable ideas. Also you mentioned that you cannot believe in a god who is so fucked up.

I will hazard a guess and say that you may still be inclined to believe in a god like entity if "god" wasn't so fucked up....
I don't think you want to dispell god just yet, just the bible version.