Hello 
This is a rather messy history but I'll do my best to organize it!
I grew up Catholic and lost my faith around age 12 after I found a website revealing many inaccuracies of the Bible. I don't recall what website that was, though I should've done more digging as I considered myself an Atheist for a little bit until I started jumping around to different religious beliefs. I still couldn't abandon the belief of a higher power completely. I went from Catholic to Atheist, to LaVeyan Satanism, to Paganism, then finally to a sort of "extremely spiritual but not religious" outlook. I stayed with that for a while, and I was really quite happy at that point. However, looking back on it, my stance was largely uneducated compared to what I know now.
What threw me back into searching for truth was when I finally came to terms with being a lesbian. I had a developed a huge crush on a girl at school, and I had this crazy idea that my devout Catholic sister (who knew I was a non-believer) would be able to just listen to my plight without telling our parents until I was ready.
Basically, word got out to my devout Catholic mother, who then went on to share the info within family. There was lots of anger and shouting that ultimately scared me back into seriously considering Catholicism. My mother asked me to just "open my mind to the possibility."
When I did that, everything became one big "what if?" I was in constant near panic about this for about a week, and I could hardly sleep because I feared going to hell unless I lived my life alone and devoted to Christ. And I knew well enough that that was not at all what I wanted, nor did I feel that was what had to happen, and I just couldn't bring myself to truly believe in the god of Catholicism anymore. But what if he DID exist, I wondered? The fear factor had quite a hold on me and made it difficult to think clearly for a while. It was also embedded in my mind that perhaps my fear was proof that Catholicism was true because I didn't want to accept the truth.
During this fearful time I did extensive research and prayed vehemently--the funny thing is that the closest I got to some holy message was stumbling across the website of a Catholic church that believes in gay marriage and LGBT rights. There came a point where I just got tired and overcame my constant fear, though it resurfaced briefly a couple times after. Regardless, I kept researching and I feel confident enough now to consider myself Atheist. I still haven't shared this with my family, they think I'm just rebellious/confused/etc. I would prefer to wait until I've moved out and am able to support myself before telling them.
This is a rather messy history but I'll do my best to organize it!I grew up Catholic and lost my faith around age 12 after I found a website revealing many inaccuracies of the Bible. I don't recall what website that was, though I should've done more digging as I considered myself an Atheist for a little bit until I started jumping around to different religious beliefs. I still couldn't abandon the belief of a higher power completely. I went from Catholic to Atheist, to LaVeyan Satanism, to Paganism, then finally to a sort of "extremely spiritual but not religious" outlook. I stayed with that for a while, and I was really quite happy at that point. However, looking back on it, my stance was largely uneducated compared to what I know now.
What threw me back into searching for truth was when I finally came to terms with being a lesbian. I had a developed a huge crush on a girl at school, and I had this crazy idea that my devout Catholic sister (who knew I was a non-believer) would be able to just listen to my plight without telling our parents until I was ready.
Basically, word got out to my devout Catholic mother, who then went on to share the info within family. There was lots of anger and shouting that ultimately scared me back into seriously considering Catholicism. My mother asked me to just "open my mind to the possibility."
When I did that, everything became one big "what if?" I was in constant near panic about this for about a week, and I could hardly sleep because I feared going to hell unless I lived my life alone and devoted to Christ. And I knew well enough that that was not at all what I wanted, nor did I feel that was what had to happen, and I just couldn't bring myself to truly believe in the god of Catholicism anymore. But what if he DID exist, I wondered? The fear factor had quite a hold on me and made it difficult to think clearly for a while. It was also embedded in my mind that perhaps my fear was proof that Catholicism was true because I didn't want to accept the truth.
During this fearful time I did extensive research and prayed vehemently--the funny thing is that the closest I got to some holy message was stumbling across the website of a Catholic church that believes in gay marriage and LGBT rights. There came a point where I just got tired and overcame my constant fear, though it resurfaced briefly a couple times after. Regardless, I kept researching and I feel confident enough now to consider myself Atheist. I still haven't shared this with my family, they think I'm just rebellious/confused/etc. I would prefer to wait until I've moved out and am able to support myself before telling them.
