(April 18, 2015 at 12:37 pm)Exian Wrote: It was kind of an odd experience being someone who believed in god but, at the same time, having an adverse reaction to anything ritualistic. We never went to church, never prayed at dinner, never observed any biblically related special days other than the big holidays. Anything to do with gatherings or preaching or evangelical action was extremely odd and off putting to my family and I on a social level. The few times I went to church left me with the same feeling. Why act all weird one day and normal the next?
I totally get where you're coming from.
I've mentioned it before, but I come from a mostly non practicing Catholic family. We were taught to believe in this vague notion of god, and Jesus, and that bad people went to hell, etc., but not a lot more than that and some of the more prominent stories. I've been to church maybe 10 times in my entire 35 years on this planet, likely less, and every time was off putting.
Church as a kid was, well, frightening. Catholic church is a somber, dreary experience. As a 5-8 year old, I really had no clue what was going on. I was just surrounded by a bunch of older people I didn't know in addition to my family, with some guy talking about stuff I didn't understand. And everyone would sit/kneel/stand in unison, and recite the same prayers in a joyless, robotic monotone. And to see my parents do the same thing was nightmare material. All I wanted to do was go back home and play with my toys. It was always creepy as shit.
Even though I vaguely knew about god and whatnot, even at an early age I didn't believe in it. Like I mentioned several times, I cried when my brothers told me I was baptized. I felt like it was a violation, that it was done without my consent. I knew that other religions existed, and was worried I would forever be tied to the wrong one, and I hated church for the reasons I gave in the last paragraph, and didn't want to be forced to go back there.
And, as a kid, it was always weird that the other kids in my class would talk about going to Sunday school. Who would ever want to do that? Wouldn't you rather sleep in, then watch football? Or play? And wasn't Sunday night when you were supposed to do the weekend's homework? They thought I was the weird one for asking those questions.
As I got older, I found myself wanting to believe more than actually believing. So much of it just didn't make sense, likely because my family was lazy with the indoctrination process. Like I said, we hardly went to church, never read the bible, never said grace before meals, etc. I was in the process of being trained for my first communion by my grandmother through bible story picture books when I was 6 and 7, but that just sort of slowed down and stopped by itself. I knew of the communion ritual, but never really understood the point of it. It seemed barbaric to joyfully eat the symbolic flesh and drink in the symbolic blood of the guy. But everyone around me just accepted all this oddity as reality, so I went through the motions. "Uh, yeah, woohoo, Christ!"
When I entered college, I went through a brief period of believing in a more generalized version of god and satan. Jesus existed, but was just a prophet. None of his miracles happened. And, of course, none of the divine things in the OT happened. Satan existed, too, and the afterlife would basically be a huge LOTR style fight between the forces of good and evil. Accompanied with that was a forced, "I love everyone" mentality. I tried to become more accepting of everyone and everything, but it was an act.
When I finally admitted to myself that I didn't believe, and never believed, I became a lot happier and sure of myself. That was shortly after 9/11.
"I was thirsty for everything, but blood wasn't my style" - Live, "Voodoo Lady"
