Ex theists: what did you believe?

[Salacious B. Crumb]

As a catholic, I truly believed in an all powerful white light creator energy that loved us all. I didn't pay attention too much to the bible, except for the gospels, because my brain would automatically hit the 'ignore button' when I ran across about the 100 things that didn't make sense to me in that book. When you are very catholic or raised by very catholic people, it seems that you generally don't read the bible anyway, you chant the vain, repetitious, monotonous words. I prayed to saints and mary more than jesus. I thought I was making god happy by praying these prayers already pre-worded for me. I believed in the virgin birth and the christmas and easter story.

I remember getting so much into it the last few years I believed in this stuff, and just staring up at the ceiling imagining with all of my mind who I was praying to and how good it was making me feel. I felt they were happy up in heaven too, and it just kept going around in this endless circle of loss of reality. I felt so good, because I put myself in this insane meditative state, and in that state you are so vulnerable to the feelings you have, and you think they must be some divine presence.

I woke up one day and started reading the bible, and questioning that, questioning all the evil that was going on in the world, unanswered prayers, etc. Then I realized the virgin birth isn't a christian original story, neither was the trinity, and many other things. Nothing from the bible made sense anymore, not to mention the pure evil, fantasy, and stupidity in its passages.

I always thought there is no way that I never be a christian anymore, and definitely no way that I couldn't believe in a god. Now, I can't tell you what it's like to look back on myself in the past, it's seriously one of the craziest experiences that you can ever have if you've truly believed. I know if I was raised non-religious, I would have taken one look at the bible when I was 10, and would have been laughing my ass off on the floor and saying to myself, "How could anyone believe this shit?"

I honestly call people morons for believing in this stuff nowadays, and don't have a problem calling myself a moron in the past. I think the people are more moronic, if they actually question their beliefs and look at them objectively from an outside perspective, and still believe in them. It makes sick, that everyday I have to watch family members praying for hours as their daily ritual, ignoring their families because they truly believe god is more important than their family or friends. Something I actually never believed. It seriously makes me sick to my stomach. I will be forever ashamed of myself for sticking up for one of the richest, most corrupt, criminal organizations on the planet, known as the catholic church. I hope they burn to the ground in my lifetime.