I seem to have this incredibly lovely state of mind going, and I can't seem to break out of it. It's a sort of thing where I know all of my problems. I am aware of each and every last one of my shortcomings. Well, except for maybe a few minor ones, but the biggest ones that hold me back, I am well aware of them.
The worst, that I am aware of, is an outright lack of desire, or maybe even an antipathy, towards progress in my life. My life has been in constant flux. To be stable in any way is an alluringly complacent state of mind. I am unemployed. I am sinking into debt. I AM filling out applications...but not nearly as many as I should be. Nor am I checking on as many as I should be, either. I want to work. But...I can't seem to get the energy to want to really make the effort needed to start working. This is showing up a lot in my life. It can be a simple thing like doing the dishes or cleaning my room...to more important things like attending cooking classes. I know I need to; I'm never going to go anywhere like this, and I kinda need the knowledge.
I dunno. Like...I dunno anything. Everyone informs me I'm intelligent. I'm not doing a good job of proving them right. Oh, sure, I might have the capacity...but I'm not doing anything with it, nor do I seem to really be able to even have the desire to do anything with it. Maybe I'm intelligent, but I'm not smart.
Fuck. This is just another late night, rambling post and...shit, reading it I realize what a pussy I sound like. I dunno where I was even going with it. I don't know what I'm hoping to gain by it. Someone to tell me to shut the fuck up and hike my balls up? Someone to tell me I can do it, that they believe in me? I've heard it all before and it hasn't done anything.
No...you know what...I think THAT'S what I hate the most. I don't know "why." Why can't I want to actually do something, why can't I get the drive to make something out of myself, why do I feel burnt out all the time, why why why why FUUUUCK.
I guess I just wanted at least someone to hear this, even if nobody cares at least I don't feel like I'm bottling this shit up, cuz bottling it up clearly hasn't been working for the last ten years. I doubt this'll fix it, but...what else am I gonna do, right?
The worst, that I am aware of, is an outright lack of desire, or maybe even an antipathy, towards progress in my life. My life has been in constant flux. To be stable in any way is an alluringly complacent state of mind. I am unemployed. I am sinking into debt. I AM filling out applications...but not nearly as many as I should be. Nor am I checking on as many as I should be, either. I want to work. But...I can't seem to get the energy to want to really make the effort needed to start working. This is showing up a lot in my life. It can be a simple thing like doing the dishes or cleaning my room...to more important things like attending cooking classes. I know I need to; I'm never going to go anywhere like this, and I kinda need the knowledge.
I dunno. Like...I dunno anything. Everyone informs me I'm intelligent. I'm not doing a good job of proving them right. Oh, sure, I might have the capacity...but I'm not doing anything with it, nor do I seem to really be able to even have the desire to do anything with it. Maybe I'm intelligent, but I'm not smart.
Fuck. This is just another late night, rambling post and...shit, reading it I realize what a pussy I sound like. I dunno where I was even going with it. I don't know what I'm hoping to gain by it. Someone to tell me to shut the fuck up and hike my balls up? Someone to tell me I can do it, that they believe in me? I've heard it all before and it hasn't done anything.
No...you know what...I think THAT'S what I hate the most. I don't know "why." Why can't I want to actually do something, why can't I get the drive to make something out of myself, why do I feel burnt out all the time, why why why why FUUUUCK.
I guess I just wanted at least someone to hear this, even if nobody cares at least I don't feel like I'm bottling this shit up, cuz bottling it up clearly hasn't been working for the last ten years. I doubt this'll fix it, but...what else am I gonna do, right?
