This week in the Deep Hurting Project, The Emoji Movie. What the fuck is there to even say about this movie? It was a huge event movie in the whole "dogshit movies" genre, and as a result, there are hundreds of movies pointing out everything wrong with it, so here's my 2 cents' worth:
- The movie starts with a monologue that's simultaneously beaming about how awesome phones are and how teenagers are stupid for relying on it so much. In a well-written movie, this would be commentary. In this movie, it's just confusing.
- Gene has the most depressing character motivation I've ever seen (including suicidal characters): he actually has the capacity for multiple emotions, and he has to limit himself to one emotion: apathy. And it's not like he's had a hard life and has learned that there's safety in indifference.
- The characters are flat, and the worst thing is it's by design. And it's not like those cardboard cutouts are even interesting.
- The movie's going for a "be yourself" moral, but, well, they do it in the worst possible way; doing your own thing is kind of the worst possible thing for a computer program to do. You know what happens to smartphone apps that don't work the way they should? They get deleted. What happens in this movie? The phone almost got the whole phone wiped and everyone dying. And then it gets averted when it glitches yet again.
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- And how the fuck does an emoji have parents? In a smartphone that's at best a few years old?
- The movie is trying for a feminist aesop, with Jailbreak complaining about how patriarchal the system is, and how, originally, female emojis were only supposed to be princesses and brides, even though Smiler, the very first emoji is female and also the boss of the whole phone. What's the point of having a corporate feminist aesop when you're just going to fuck it up this badly?
- Maya Rudolph has one of the most annoying performances I've ever heard in an animated movie. It's like she's trying to pick her teeth or talk through a vicodin high. Or both.
- Well, at least Steven Wright is perfectly cast as Mr. Meh. Too bad he's given a subplot that drags on way too damn long.
- James Corden's High-Five seems to zig-zag about how knowledgeable he is about the software on a dime, like his inspiring Gene to find a hacker and only figuring out it could help himself after Gene suggests it.
- Also, the eggplant emoji is apparently one of the "losers", but apparently, the beer and flamenco dancer emojis aren't. There is no way this can make sense. Why are Beer and Flamenco Dancers VIP emojis for Alex when he's in middle school?
- Why does a movie set inside a smart-phone not know how smart phones work? Why does Alex have trolls in his phone? Why is Twitter in Dropbox? Does Android even have an officially sanctioned piracy app?
- Also, there's a long scene where emojis in the calendar have to keep explaining to Smiler that he's going to have the phone erased, and they keep delivering important information piecemeal, like first he's got an appointment at the phone store, then that it's with tech support, then that it's to have the phone wiped, and then that it's happening the next day. You know what would have worked better? Seeing Alex make the appointment with the phone store to have it wiped tomorrow, and then to have the emojis react to the news. Too bad that might have actually given Alex (the God of this world, since he owns the smartphone it all takes place in) some actual character.
- And I'm not even going into all the other recent movies this one is clearly ripping off (like Inside Out or Wreck It Ralph.)
- Where's the Easter Island Head emoji?
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.