RE: The Last Movie You Watched
July 25, 2019 at 12:43 am
(This post was last modified: July 25, 2019 at 12:54 am by Rev. Rye.)
This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Bratz. As I've mentioned before, I am actually intimately familiar with this movie. You may well ask, Rye, the fuck? Well, it all started when I saw Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix in the theaters. The trailer was attached to the movie, and when I saw it, I knew this had to be utterly horrible or utterly great. It turns out, it was both:
Naturally, I was not allowed to see it in theaters, but I did try to torrent it, especially after it came out. The critics were scathing, but what they described was so unfathomably insane I had to see it. Unfortunately, whenever I tried to download it, the watchability was compromised because it was ALWAYS dubbed into what I think is Korean, and, for some reason, it kept going between black and white and colour randomly like Natural Born Killers. Speaking of NBK, for whatever reason, the day after Christmas 2007, Dad and I decided to go to some electronics store in the boonies, and we wound up getting it (along with the new properly widescreen edition of the theatrical cut of Manhunter and NBK.) We showed my mother what I got and she was actually more horrified when she saw the Bratz movie than the one that's been linked to a depressingly large number or murderers from people who totally missed the damn point. While, of course, the movie didn't switch between colour and black and white like the editions I torrented did, it still had enough insane shit that I knew I had found gold. And without further ado, a small sampling of the crazy shit you'll find if you get a copy of Bratz and just ride the snake (and ignore the shallow leads, story, and Comic Sans font for the opening credits):
Naturally, I was not allowed to see it in theaters, but I did try to torrent it, especially after it came out. The critics were scathing, but what they described was so unfathomably insane I had to see it. Unfortunately, whenever I tried to download it, the watchability was compromised because it was ALWAYS dubbed into what I think is Korean, and, for some reason, it kept going between black and white and colour randomly like Natural Born Killers. Speaking of NBK, for whatever reason, the day after Christmas 2007, Dad and I decided to go to some electronics store in the boonies, and we wound up getting it (along with the new properly widescreen edition of the theatrical cut of Manhunter and NBK.) We showed my mother what I got and she was actually more horrified when she saw the Bratz movie than the one that's been linked to a depressingly large number or murderers from people who totally missed the damn point. While, of course, the movie didn't switch between colour and black and white like the editions I torrented did, it still had enough insane shit that I knew I had found gold. And without further ado, a small sampling of the crazy shit you'll find if you get a copy of Bratz and just ride the snake (and ignore the shallow leads, story, and Comic Sans font for the opening credits):
- One of the most bizarre design choices in film since Tommy Wiseau decided to put several framed photos of spoons in his room: Yasmin, the Mexican member of the Bratz has her own LIVE-IN MARIACHI BAND! (Apparently, according to the DVD commentary, there is a legitimate reason for this. It's just never actually mentioned in the movie.) To tell the truth, they kind of represent literally every Latin stereotype suitable for a kid's movie and some new ones that don't make any sense.
- Sacha, the black girl's dad has trouble using the toaster. Specifically, he can't get the bread to stay in. No, it doesn't even burn. It just ejects automatically.
- School signs like "Obey" "Submit" and "No Littering." The principal, played by Jon Voight, is introduced by reading a book called "How to Run a Prison." And it's named after Carry Nation, the famed prohibitionist, complete with a big fucking statue, for no reason. I legitimately have no idea why they did this, since neither alcohol nor her strong Christian ideology has any bearing whatsoever on the plot. That said, it still looks a hell of a lot more vibrant than my actual high school experience, with random bikers, contortionists, and girls changing clothes in public.
- No, really, they get in a group huddle with Jade, the Asian girl with a mother with a shrill voice, lying on the ground and flinging up all her clothes before coming up with an entirely new outfit out of bloody nowhere.
- There are 48 distinct cliques designated by the principal's daughter, (and Chelsea Staub gives the best performance, and that's because it's totally fucking insane) and I'd be surprised if half of them even get mentioned. There are apparently two groups of gangstas, and I swear I'm not making this up: one of them is "KIDS WHO LIKE TO DRESS UP LIKE DINOSAURS." How the fuck did this become a thing? And this isn't a one-off joke, there are extras in several scenes just randomly dressed like dinosaurs (or wearing bell-bottoms in the case of the Disco Dorks). I swear, this is what would happen if Federico Fellini was brought back from the dead, taught to speak English, and handed the script for a high school movie.
- And one of her posse manages to mirror my own thoughts on the movie: "They look kind of cool. Yeah, in a totally trashy, beneath our contempt, maybe we could find a little spare time to crush them into the dirt sort of way." Or maybe the later "Awesome...ful" would be more to my liking.
- A main character is introduced by one character bumping into another. The exchage: "Are you blind?" "No, but I'm deaf." That said, there is a little bit more of a "deaf accent" than I remember, but not that much.
- And I think the sudden "2 years later" timeskip 19 minutes in is a good enough place to stop the movie for now.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.