RE: The Last Movie You Watched
September 24, 2019 at 8:09 pm
(This post was last modified: September 24, 2019 at 9:58 pm by Rev. Rye.)
Now for this week's actual entry in the Deep Hurting Project: Son of the Mask. In preparation for this movie, I decided to re-watch the original for context. It was fairly decent, although the CGI is clearly a bit dated (it was a quarter century ago, after all)
Also, on an amusing note, my Blu-Ray player refused to recognise the DVD as a proper movie file. I had to try again before it finally played. And seriously, is even New Line pulling the "different running times" trick on this one? The box says it's 86 minutes, when it's really 94:29.
- How the fuck does a culture create guitars and harmonicas without tools, Ben?
- Loki's ugly? Just wait a few years.
- Okay, I admit I saw through the CGI when I rewatched the original a couple days ago, but five minutes in, we see Ben Stein's face separated from his body, and it looks horrible. It makes you appreciate the ancient CGI in the original a lot more.
- This baby's going to be a genius... fucking Hell, I just watched that movie yesterday and I do not need to be reminded of it again. At least not until I have to deal with the sequel.
- So, this is going to be a family comedy... and Jamie Kennedy makes his first appearance getting head-butted in the groin. And fantasizing about babies with vampire fangs. And alternately fighting with his wife, and grabbing her face while she's driving. And he can't even make a good anti-natalist argument.
Why are we supposed to like him? Because he makes leather-bound flipbooks that make him look kind and sensitive? - This guy's dog has a bigger room than I do.
- Why doesn't Odin locate the Mask with his all-seeing eye? That's a good fucking question. Even if this is Loki's punishment, there's no reason he can't locate it and demand Loki go there and destroy it.
- You know, the Jim Carrey original made the Mask seem a lot more charismatic. Here, he looks a constipated man in an avocado mask and an acrylic toupee. "Don't you just love Halloween" is a bit of a comedown from "SMOKIN!" Everything about the way he wears The Mask looks fake. Even his hair. I get the feeling it wouldn't have even passed muster in the original film.
- This is the worst version I've ever heard of a Brill Building hit:
Although I have to admit, I love the scene where the cars are dancing along to the song. - Well, the Mask does have potential as an animated series. I know this because it lasted THREE seasons.
- I was going to ask how Jamie Kennedy's girlfriend knew she was pregnant the day after fucking him, but she just vomited bubbles.
- Contrary to popular belief Thor is not actually Odin's brother. In the actual mythology he's - WHAT THE FUCK? That baby looks horrifying!
- And why is Loki that bee from the Nasonex commercials?
- And Jamie Kennedy's trying to feed the baby with a lamp that is still lit and has a broken light bulb. You know what, here's a film about the same themes of the horrors of fatherhood that's going to be far less horrifying for children: Eraserhead.
- A particularly stressful babysitting job and now it looks like, remember that old urban myth where the babysitter is stoned out of their gourds and bakes the baby in the oven because they think it's a turkey? This actually feels like a plausible story development now.
- And then, the dog puts on the Mask and somehow, HE says "SMOKIN!" and not Jamie Kennedy. And apparently, he wants to kill the baby and the baby wants to sent Jamie Kennedy to a mental hospital somehow. Dafuq?
- And he's singing "The Michigan Rag" in Bill Roberts' voice. I don't think the Mask ever worked that way. Then again, apparently, in the comics, the big characteristic personality was ax-craz - DID THAT GUY'S SKIN JUST MERGE WITH THE PLUNGER? DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO LOOK SO REPULSIVE?
- This dog's plan to get rid of the baby doesn't make any fucking sense: So he's hooked up to a car with a rope, and ends up in a baffling Rube Goldberg machinne where he's tarred and feathered ad immediately sent through a washing machine. And of course, La Gazza Ladra is the music they use. Of course.
- And does the baby have four dicks? Why did this film make me rewind that to confirm that they had at least four dicks all whizzing at different angles?
- So Loki appears to Jamie Kennedy and nothing happens. Why was this subplot even there? Of course, then he starts vomiting green while Loki's waiting in his car for an absurdly long amount of in-universe time.
- An axe with a gun? Why do I get the impression that that defeats the whole purpose?
- Loki has a lit stick of dynamite shoved up his ass and he doesn't notice?
- I wonder how much Milton Bradley paid to have Alan Cumming and the baby go all Parasyte on a game of Super Twister.
- Where did that fucking monster car come from? Good God, he's on Fletcher Hanks mode!
Also, on an amusing note, my Blu-Ray player refused to recognise the DVD as a proper movie file. I had to try again before it finally played. And seriously, is even New Line pulling the "different running times" trick on this one? The box says it's 86 minutes, when it's really 94:29.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.