This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2. The original was briefly the worst film I'd ever seen that wasn't officially part of the Deep Hurting Project (at least until it was added to the SO Bad It's Horrible Film list)
- Well, the opening is worse ear rape than the original, focusing on crying and then babbling. And then they're supposed to be talking and the effects look even worse than in the first movie, and they look like the mouths are fake and their body language looks an alarming bit like Michael J. Fox's tardive diskinesia.
- Also, I know these are supposed to be geniuses, but why are they conversant in the Cold War?
- So, the main character is The Kahuna, a super baby who hasn't aged since the 1960s. Thing is: that's not a fucking baby! I was going to say he was a kindergartener at least, but then I looked it up and discovered his actor (well, actors) were closer to TEN. And they're the same triplets who played Sly and Whit in the original. And even here, his voice seems to be clearly dubbed over even though they're clearly old enough to talk.
- How is "duck" the appropriate word for dodging a turbo-powered baby buggy?
- What the fuck happened to Jon Voight? His right-wing politics only go so far in explaining why he keeps doing this shit. He was nominated for four Oscars and even won once. And yet, he was also in Getaway and also the Bratz movie, which I have to admit is fucking hilarious.
- Nobody can act in this movie, not even Oscar winning actors.
- Fucking Hell, that anti-corporate website looks shitty even by Web 2.0 standards.
- So, why are they suddenly on board with interrogating a baby?
- Okay, so there's this jock and he's being tutored by this college student who looks like a younger and blonder Shelley Duvall, and it turns out she was actually in the Bratz movie too (playing Chloe, the least interesting of the four heroines). Who the fuck else was in this shit and the Bratz movie? A line producer, a regular producer, and a sound man (who's done everything from legitimate Hollywood blockbusters to pornos). Why did I think this would be more interesting?
- So, there's a character called Muggles the Frog? Let's hope Nancy Stouffer doesn't hear about this. Also, that's not a fucking frog.
- Why does The Kahuna have his own Willy Wonka cave? And why isn't this more insane? And why is not-Shelley-Duvall so blase about this?
- And they're superheroes now? Fucking really? It's like Bob Clark's just given up on creating any coherent story out of this.
- So, the jock kid is in on the whole Big Kahuna thing, and he's also on Skyping terms with Whoopi Goldberg, O-Town, and fucking Dubya. It's at this point I realise I can only say four words about this film: "Why the fuck not?"
- So the Kahuna is apparently a super solider in the same age cohort as Steve Rogers. Why the fuck not?
- And the glowing green liquid that looks the same as the fountain of youth serum is an "all-natural formula" that interacts with his "unique physiology". Why the fuck not?
- And they give Not-Shelley-Duvall a new dress almost instantly and makes her look less like Shelley Duvall. Why the fuck not?
- And Jon Voigt starts a countdown at FIFTY-FIVE. Why the fuck not?
- And the Kahuna's laser beams hit just the exact spot they needed to make him vanish. Why the fuck not?
- And the babies create their super plan immediately without knowing what they can or should do. Why the fuck not?
- And being a bouncy ball is a superpower. Why the fuck not?
- And one of the babies defeats two of John Voight's goons by turning them gay. Why the fuck not?
- And John Voight and the Kahuna are brothers. Why the fuck not?
- And the DVD they used as a McGuffin was entirely pointless, since the program, the broadcast hijacking and the message were independent of it. Why the fuck not?
- And mind control can be used to promote free will. Why the fuck not?
- And the Kahuna leaves on a Casablanca reference. Why the fuck not?
- And somehow the Jock recognises his mother instantly despite not having seen her since he was an infant. Why the fuck not?
- What better way to take over the world than television? What about the Internet? This was in 2004, it's not like the Internet was an unknown commodity at this point.
- One million to the 14th power. One in a long scale Quattuordecillion.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.