RE: The Last Movie You Watched
December 4, 2019 at 11:39 pm
(This post was last modified: December 5, 2019 at 12:14 am by Rev. Rye.)
And back to the Deep Hurting Project:
And now for the Deep Hurting Awards:
Awards that haven't changed:
New Awards:
- So, the magic orb just magics up a sleigh with deer? There's really no rules for this orb, are there?
- "Only a happy elf is contractually obligated to make toys." This looks like a very bad idea. And the song accompanying it is all over the place.
- So, apparently, the earliest scenes took place in 600 AD, ad it took 1400 years for the elves to make Santa his own bowling alley. And it takes this long for Dingle to move out of Santa's place? Even with all the scandals Dingle's been involved in?
- Plague and Disease monthly? Selling yellow snow? Why? And not-Wired spelled "Ponzi" wrong?
- Penguins are imbeciles? Fuck you!
- And apparently, they fucked so bad they're behind 6 billion units. The entire population of Earth. No wonder the "only a happy elf is contractually obligated to make toys" rule is a bad idea. Also, they can't use the 10 TRILLION they have in reserve in the mountains?
- And why is Santa accepting a bowling duel with Dingle, even though his empire is at stake and he knows Dingle is a cheater? And he's clearly cheating in the first frame? And that first frame is the ONLY frame?
- Goddammit, Dingle's really starting to sound like the Ice King. Having Penguin henchmen really doesn't help matters. Nor does the fact that Tom Kenny also voices Rebel, the black elf, who sounds like something out of a minstrel show.
- This is the worst song in the entire movie:
And even if it isn't, it's the first one I can find on Youtube.
- So, it's the orb that makes all the toys?
- So, there's a sign warning people to not turn on the steam valve? Then why is it even there?
- Now that Santa's MIA, and the workshop is destroyed (with all the bowling pins falling in a perfect skull and crossbones formation), and Dingle decides to go to Fiji. I was going to post a Red Dwarf clip of Dave talking about his old plans to set up a diner on Fiji, but I couldn't find it on Youtube, though I was able to find this, a promo image for Series XII:
- And now, there's a gold digger who becomes a main character 48 minutes in, and she was on a flight from the North Pole to Fiji and she was wearing a short, ludicrously cleavage-baring dress, presumably in the NORTH POLE's weather.
- Somehow, the "Fiji is a-cool-a" song is now the worst song so far. Not sure if it's the worst one in the entire Deep Hurting Project canon, though. And is it weird that the Fiji guy looks like the Indian guy who makes sandwiches at the Subway near my house?
- And it turns out slavery is what saves Christmas, with Dingle turning the Fiji paradise into a sweatshop.
- Wait, they need 8 billion toys now? And paying the children for their presents is a bad idea. And they don't even have a fucking sleigh to send them there?
- And the orb turns two Moai statues into surfer dude bodyguard slaves. Please tell me this isn't the point I just say "why the fuck not" for the rest of the review.
- And the Moai head just buries Santa up to his neck (without killing him) and cries his eyes out and lets him out again? Why did Dingle think this was a good idea?
- So, a profit of $2.6 trillion, plus a 12% of something I couldn't understand because it was hard to hear and the movie has no subtitles makes a total of $6 trillion? How the fuck does that work? Also, that works out to about $325 (OF PROFIT) per toy. That markup must be obscene, even more than the 300% for packaging and reindeer meat mentioned in the sweatshop scene.
- "How come my underwear's on backwards?" Is that a date rape joke in this Christmas cartoon movie for kids?
- Why is Santa accepting Dingle's challenge AGAIN? And what makes "Super Elf Bowling" different from regular elf bowling?
- And the Fiji king had a TV and a hidden camera recording the whole thing? And how did he miss the bomb when they saw it blow up?
- Neither Santa nor Lex was responsible for saving Christmas. It was Dingle enslaving the elf population.
- So, it's the orb that kept the structural integrity of that workshop this whole time?
- So, "Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum" was unacceptable for this Christmas movie, but the date rape joke was A-OK?
- Also, the ending credits music has this strange noise that sounds somewhere between a tabla, blowing into an empty Coke bottle, and water slowly dropping out of a sink. The fuck?
And now for the Deep Hurting Awards:
Awards that haven't changed:
- Most Reprehensible: Vaxxed. Nuff Said.
- Best Worst Movie: Guardians. Probably the first film I've watched for the project that I'd seriously consider buying if I found a copy at Half-Price Books. And it's so absurd in how badly it apes the current crop of Superhero movies. The Bratz film is ineligible for this award to give others a fighting chance.
- The Richie Cusack Award for Epic Fails: Yep, the scene from A History of Violence where William Hurt asks "How do you fuck that up?" is now a fixture of the Deep Hurting Project. And now, I've decided to devote his awards to simple fucking things that the filmmakers fuck up spectacularly. Do I give it to Hilary's America for setting out to make a movie claiming Democrats are the real racists and fail to do justice to targets who would seem like shooting fish in a barrel? Or The Apparition for somehow having more plot in the fucking trailer than the actual film? Nope, I'm giving it to The Emoji Movie. Why? Because they fuck up the most basic aspects of the plot: Gene has the unusual problem of having multiple emotions which forms the basic thrust of the film, except that other emojis actually show multiple emotions, and not just Steven Wright. They go for a "be yourself" moral, but fuck it up because when Gene tries to be himself, it risks THE ENTIRE PHONEWORLD BEING DESTROYED. And it somehow saves the day because the girl he's into is impressed by a weird emoji. They go for a feminist moral claiming that there was an era where female emojis could only be princesses and brides, except that Smiler (a female) was not only the first emoji, but was their leader from time immemorial. I feel I may need to create a Richie Cusack Awards post at some point cataloguing the most jaw-dropping epic fails in the Project.
- The Raw Deal award for films that really deserved better: The Master of Disguise. I think we can all agree that this movie is utter crap, made even worse by catering to the narrow demographic young enough to find fart jokes, ass jokes, and a man named Pistachio Disguisey dressing up like a turtle and biting people's noses is funny, but old enough to recognise Bo Derek, Tony Montana, and Robert Shaw's character in Jaws and relate to Pistachio's ass fetish. But take the initial conceit: a spy comedy franchise built around a man with a preternatural ability to disguise himself, using that as a vehicle for the actor in question to showcase how versatile his performances can be. If Peter Sellers was still alive when this idea was going around, this would have been fucking perfect. Hell, if you've seen Holy Motors, the stuff Denis Levant does throughout the movie fits much the same MO (except without the espionage), and that movie is much better. Imagine what such a thing would have been if it wasn't picked up by a studio who pretty much exists as a welfare organisation for former SNL cast members who couldn't get roles in other studios. And you could even retain the weird borderline-autistic personality Pistachio had (at least if you put more work into it), perhaps adding a Little Voice element into the mix that could help explain why he's so good at it, like his impersonations are a way of trying to blend in to the neurotypical world.
- Most Frustrating experience as a viewer: As bad as Hilary's America was, it at least had a distinctive style that gave some laughs, particularly with the low-budget docudrama sections. The follow-up, Death of a Nation, however, is even worse, basically treading the same ground, replacing the so-bad-it's-good re-enactments with barely competent ones. At one point, he even stops the film about 80 minutes in so his wife could cover a Celtic Woman song. He's basically taking the few sections with any sort of So Bad It's Good appeal and making them just bad.
- Most Brain-Breaking: Baby Geniuses 2: Superbabies. This one literally broke my brain to the point where all I could say was "why the fuck not?" after about 30 minutes. It fucking wins.
- Worst Film I've Ever Seen: Incredibly, Kiara the Brave has proven to be the worst movie I've ever seen. The closest thing the movie has to a redeeming quality is that one kid with the greaser haircut, wife-beater, and pencil thin moustache who shows up randomly to trash-talk the villain and vomit flowers and that's just because it was so random it made me laugh.
- Megatron Award for Bad Comedy: Yep, it's official, Doogal is worse than Bio-Dome in this regard. Taking the Shrek formula, fucking literally everything up so there's no charm in it, even the celebrity voice actors, and doing so with a film that already had a decent English dub. The Magic Roundabout cut is on YouTube, and while I haven't seen the whole thing, from what I've seen, it's a C-movie at best. But given the F-- Doogal dub, it's practically a masterpiece.
- Most Generic piece of shit: LOL. They took a genre that was rare in France, remade an award-winning French film shot-for shot in a market with a glut of those movies. And the only odd thing is the occasional incest subtext between Miley Cyrus and her mother.
- The The Eye Creatures Award for Just Not Caring (formerly Most Stunningly Incompetent): The Last Airbender. Sure, if that post I included in the entry for this movie is any indication, Shyamalan actually tried his best, but the fact that Nick cares so little about one of their best shows to put a movie like this out speaks volumes about their competence.
- Most Damn Faint Praise: Son of the Mask. In retrospect, it at least does a good job of being a love letter to old Looney Tunes cartoons.
New Awards:
- Most Ham-fisted piece of shit movie trying to be thoughtful and failing spectacularly: I Know Who Killed Me. Obvious symbolism that says nothing, a serial killer movie by someone who fails to understand what serial killing even is, and some twists so idiotic.
- Most enraging twist ending: The Devil Ins- The facts surrounding the Rossi case remain unresolved. Visit therossifiles.com for more information on the ongoing investigation. Or don't because the site went down after it became clear that nobody gave a shit.
- The movie so boring I just stopped bothering to look for new shit after about 10 minutes: The Omega Code.
- Most insulting Sequel: Piranha 3DD. You take a good guilty pleasure film, a B-movie that actually fits a good balance between schlock and legitimate goodness, and they fuck up all the goodwill the original film gave them. They even ignored the sequel hook at the end of the first movie. Fuck this movie.
- Least Holly-Jolly Christmas movie: It was tough competition between the crass commercialism of Saving Christmas, the cancerous politics of Last Ounce of Courage, and the shitty Elf Bowling the Movie, but given that it exists solely to reject the sort of positive feelings that normal Christmas movies tend to shoot for, I'm going to go with Saving Christmas.
- Most Jaw-dropping stupidity: Baby Geniuses. This should explain it all.
- Most enraging use of music: NeverEnding Story 3 having the Rockbiter sing "Born to Be Wild" TWICE.
- Most whiplash-inducing sequel: Escape Plan 2: Hades. You go from the more-or-less realistic The Hole in the original film, and the sequel (presumably set shortly after that) has it in a bored Sci-fi dystopia prison in Atlanta.
- Worst Original Song: The Identical for "Boogie Woogie Rock and Roll"
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.