This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Christmas in Wonderland. And before I get to this movie, here's an MST3K clip.
It turns out that, eventually, Patrick Swayze made a Christmas movie. And not only does he suck in it, it's bad enough that it made the Deep Hurting Project.
Overall, This feels like an utterly formulaic movie. Kids are moving to a strange new place (read: Edmonton) and the kids aren't liking it (well, the boys aren't, they're just bored and they act bored; the girl is just the cutest fucking thing who writes misspelled letters to Santa and is so concerned about Santa she tries to chisel a chimney into the fake fireplace). The mother is stuck in LAX and so they try to take their mind off it all by going to the West Edmonton Mall.
And it looks like it's an extended ad for the mall, including a showcase of their waterpark accompanied by a fake Beach Boys song called "California Christmas" and it sounds so shit I'd actually rather listen to "Hey Little Tomboy" than that song. Though, to be fair, "California Christmas" is better than "Summer of Love." Also, they apparently have a little cage for Rudolph, and the daughter even tries giving him their new address, even if, if I recall the mythos correctly after watching Elf Bowling, if Santa knows if you've been bad or good, he probably knows where you've moved to. And she's already gave (the mall) Santa (who looks like Dumbledore) a change of address card. And we even get Victoria's Secret saleswomen who totally aren't Frau Farbissima.
And, eventually, it turns out there's a plot aside from this: Chris Kattan and one of the guys from Jackass play these low-rent Wet Bandits-types with a bag of fake 100-dollar bills (Canadian). Their plan? Buy merchandise from the mall with the fake bills (less than $100 worth) and get real money for change. And, of course, the bag falls while they're arguing about donuts, so the kids get it and spend it on themselves. And apparently, Carmen Electra is part of the scheme. And meanwhile, 35 minutes in, we get Tim Curry, and he plays an RCMP officer (with a Scottish accent, for some reason, and without the standard red uniform for some reason, and without th e) trying to take down the counterfeiters. And, of course, he discovers that the kids are spending all the money. So, he has his people break into their home, even though, as far as they can tell, THEY'RE STILL IN THE FUCKING MALL. I legitimately feel sorry for Tim Curry for appearing in this movie, and even though he should be the best thing about this shitstorm, he still sucks.
Also, apparently, Santa (looking like a shitty Jimmy Buffet impersonator) is sitting in LAX with Swayze's wife. And according to IMDB, he's played by the same actor as Mall Santa-Dumbledore from before. And sure enough, the scene after that Santa-Dumbledore is talking with Patrick Swayze. And he dematerialises and of course, they're playing the "Mall Santa was the real Santa all along" card. And he plays five roles who are more or less variations on one role.
As a testament to how shitty the acting is, the kids see Patrick Swayze getting arrested for counterfeiting, and they react to THEIR OWN FATHER BEING ARRESTED FOR A CRIME HE DIDN'T COMMIT IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES with all the surprise of finding out a store doesn't stock a shirt they like in their preferred colour. And this barely improves after they A) figure out that whoever made the counterfeit money is probably looking for it, and B) talking about it while the crooks are behind them on an escalator.
As I write this, I'm 68 minutes into this 99 minute film. If I find anything new in this last half hour of the film, I'll return.
It turns out that, eventually, Patrick Swayze made a Christmas movie. And not only does he suck in it, it's bad enough that it made the Deep Hurting Project.
Overall, This feels like an utterly formulaic movie. Kids are moving to a strange new place (read: Edmonton) and the kids aren't liking it (well, the boys aren't, they're just bored and they act bored; the girl is just the cutest fucking thing who writes misspelled letters to Santa and is so concerned about Santa she tries to chisel a chimney into the fake fireplace). The mother is stuck in LAX and so they try to take their mind off it all by going to the West Edmonton Mall.
And it looks like it's an extended ad for the mall, including a showcase of their waterpark accompanied by a fake Beach Boys song called "California Christmas" and it sounds so shit I'd actually rather listen to "Hey Little Tomboy" than that song. Though, to be fair, "California Christmas" is better than "Summer of Love." Also, they apparently have a little cage for Rudolph, and the daughter even tries giving him their new address, even if, if I recall the mythos correctly after watching Elf Bowling, if Santa knows if you've been bad or good, he probably knows where you've moved to. And she's already gave (the mall) Santa (who looks like Dumbledore) a change of address card. And we even get Victoria's Secret saleswomen who totally aren't Frau Farbissima.
And, eventually, it turns out there's a plot aside from this: Chris Kattan and one of the guys from Jackass play these low-rent Wet Bandits-types with a bag of fake 100-dollar bills (Canadian). Their plan? Buy merchandise from the mall with the fake bills (less than $100 worth) and get real money for change. And, of course, the bag falls while they're arguing about donuts, so the kids get it and spend it on themselves. And apparently, Carmen Electra is part of the scheme. And meanwhile, 35 minutes in, we get Tim Curry, and he plays an RCMP officer (with a Scottish accent, for some reason, and without the standard red uniform for some reason, and without th e) trying to take down the counterfeiters. And, of course, he discovers that the kids are spending all the money. So, he has his people break into their home, even though, as far as they can tell, THEY'RE STILL IN THE FUCKING MALL. I legitimately feel sorry for Tim Curry for appearing in this movie, and even though he should be the best thing about this shitstorm, he still sucks.
Also, apparently, Santa (looking like a shitty Jimmy Buffet impersonator) is sitting in LAX with Swayze's wife. And according to IMDB, he's played by the same actor as Mall Santa-Dumbledore from before. And sure enough, the scene after that Santa-Dumbledore is talking with Patrick Swayze. And he dematerialises and of course, they're playing the "Mall Santa was the real Santa all along" card. And he plays five roles who are more or less variations on one role.
As a testament to how shitty the acting is, the kids see Patrick Swayze getting arrested for counterfeiting, and they react to THEIR OWN FATHER BEING ARRESTED FOR A CRIME HE DIDN'T COMMIT IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES with all the surprise of finding out a store doesn't stock a shirt they like in their preferred colour. And this barely improves after they A) figure out that whoever made the counterfeit money is probably looking for it, and B) talking about it while the crooks are behind them on an escalator.
As I write this, I'm 68 minutes into this 99 minute film. If I find anything new in this last half hour of the film, I'll return.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.