This week in the Deep Hurting Project: The 2005 remake of The Fog. Full disclosure: if I have seen the original, it has been years.
- The misty opening credits wear out their welcome rather quickly.
- It's weird, but one of the opening scenes is of a woman bickering about historical accuracy in a statue. Why do I get the feeling that this is what fans of the original thought after watching the movie?
- Looking at clips of the original, particularly with Adrienne Barbeau's character, it sounds like Selma Blair is trying to match Adrienne Barbeau's seductiveness and failing spectacularly, due at least in part to the writers not knowing what tone they're going for.
- Tom Welling plays Our Hero. I have no idea why he was cast in this, except maybe that he looks good and was currently playing Superman on Smallville, because here, he's a complete non-entity. The more I look at it, this seems to be the norm for the casting in this film. Honestly, even if I wasn't a foot fetishist, I swear I'd be far more into watching whatever went wrong when Selma Blair tried to paint her toenails about 14 minutes in.
- Testicle telepathy?
- No, just because you own a proper radio station doesn't mean you're exempt from the FCC's rules, even if they are bullshit.
- A jump scare involving a hobo talking about the difference between flotsam and jetsam? Really?
- And when the fog finally comes in, it looks like it came out of a PS2 cutscene. And it's not even scary.
- Most interesting characters: Elizabeth's giant hat (which she doffs 27 minutes in), and the drunken priest yammering on about murderers (except when he doesn't, which is all his scenes after his first one.)
- Is it weird that the long, lingering sex scene in the shower reminds me of The Room? And it's totally gratuitous and pretty short, but it's still the best thing about this movie because it has nothing to do with the rest of the movie.
- Damn. Selma Blair's supposed to be old enough to have a kid that old? I know actors are vain and do their damnedest to stall the aging process, but her looking as young as she was, I thought she was just some college girl. Then again, she was 32 years old when this film was shot, so having an 11-year-old kid does at least make sense. Still points to this being poorly cast.
- What's the point of having an eye scream when it looks as clean as that?
- "Don't go to the beach, do you hear me?" "Yes, I hear you. I think I'll go to the beach." This is supposed to be a serious horror movie, and yet I'm being reminded of Shed.MOV?
- Also, what was the point of having the drunken priest come out raving about murderers when he's perfectly sober when we next see him?
- I don't quite get how the Fog is supposed to work. Does it set people on fire in the original and propel them to the wall in the original? Or send zombies into sink drains that can burn people alive with the mere power of touch? If I had actually watched the original, I'd probably be doing more comparison.
- And the fog turns into the spooky face on the DVD cover? Why do I get the feeling that this wasn't in the original?
- God-DAMN, getting impaled repeatedly by huge shards of glass seems so clean. No blood, no gaping exit wounds, just a long slo-mo shot, and then you fall to the floor and die.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.