RE: The Last Movie You Watched
February 3, 2020 at 2:14 am
(This post was last modified: February 3, 2020 at 2:18 am by Rev. Rye.)
This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser. I remembered watching the original Joe Dirt and liking it. Then again, I was an underclassman in high school at the very oldest the last time I watched it. So, in preparation for this, I rewatched it. It did not hold up, but I suppose I can see why it developed a cult following. So, it somehow ended up with a sequel with none of its dubious charms that went Direct-to-Crackle, and eventually came to DVD.
- Dennis Miller's Xander Kelly has gone from a LA shock jock to some guy sitting in front of a gas station in the middle of nowhere, talking with some inbred redneck who can barely speak English. There's some commentary for the trajectory of his career post 9/11 and going full neocon in there somewhere.
- So, we first see Joe sitting on a park bench talking to some old lady talking about his shoes. As if the original wasn't already a white trash Happy Madison version of Forrest Gump without the history.
- Cleaning up feces after a rock concert? What the shit kind of concerts ARE these?
- Why is he re-enacting the Sopranos opening?
- You know, I'm well aware that Britanny Murphy died years before the film was made, but could you at least get someone who at least looked and acted a bit like her?
- I don't know what's worse: the fact that the doctor's smoking in a labor room or the fact that the cigarette and its smoke is clearly CGI.
- Why is that one guy barely reacting to having an Epiphone SG broken over his upper back?
- There's only one movie that should be allowed to devote an absurdly long scene to farting, and it's called Blazing Saddles.
- Revolutions only happen when the oppressed masses get a taste of what they could have and never when things are so bad they can't take it anymore? I'd advise you to read The People's Revolution by Orlando Figes. Or, for that matter, look into the 1959 revolution in Cuba.
- The fuck did that scene of Joe Dirt's triplets asking to be treated like North West have to do with anything?
- And why is the version of REO Speedwagon's "Riding the Storm Out" so shit? Brian Lee Clarke, fuck you. The one thing I can unreservedly praise about the original is that it had a kick-ass classic rock soundtrack. This fucks even that up.
- So, Joe Dirt hides in a trailer during a tornado, and this means he travels to 1965? And it turns into Wizard of Oz with Joe Dirt becoming the head of a biker gang and wearing his boots. You know, I'd actually consider a retread of the original to be a step up.
- The vulture is a mean bird? I highly recommend you watch this:
- This movie is so bogged down in rambling about shit and expositing about the classic "dick in a popcorn box" trick. Sorry, "thingy in a popcorn box." This movie isn't rated. Is there any reason they're so circumspect about the word "penis" or any of its synonyms? Especially since the payoff is that he gets jerked off by his parents.
- Why does Buffalo Bob look a lot older than he does 35 years in the future? I always thought he and Joe Dirt were in the same age cohort. He'd have to be fucking ANCIENT for him to look this old in the sequel.
- And why would Silver Age comics be the big nest egg he buries in his yard? That's Golden Age comics. And why does nobody dig it up, even though it's marked as blatantly as it is?
- I know Joe Dirt is an idiot, but why does he take THIS FUCKING LONG to understand he's in 1965?
- And could they really not get Kid Rock to reprise his role? Did they have to give Mike McGrath a similar role? I actually like Sugar Ray. Admittedly, only between Memorial Day and Labor Day, but still.
- And for that matter, why is Patrick Warburton in this movie? Was he this fucking bored waiting for Venture Brothers Season 6 that he made this?
- And of course he meets Lynyrd Skynyrd. They're a surf band called The Wildcats, and when Joe Dirt insists on changing their names, they keep spitting out 1980s artists' names.
- And they look like clean-cut youngsters when a huge part of their contention with him (and a big part of why they named the band after him out of spite) was that they didn't like his policy against long hair?
- And why is he doing the slide intro to "Freebird" when he clearly doesn't have a slide on his finger, and the angle chosen shows that his fingers are clearly not touching the fretboard? That's a new level of fake playing guitar.
- So, Joe Dirt heard about the plane crash that killed off half of Lynyrd Skynyrd when he was eight, when, according to this film, he was born in 1965? And even that contradicts the original, because, and I had to check one of those transcript sites, he was born in 1971 in the original film, and would have been six when they crashed. Jesus, this is basic math combined with understanding the film you care enough about to give a sequel long after anyone stopped caring.
- So, he goes from getting raped by a bunch of hot transwomen on a hobo car (and I don't know why these refugees from r/shemales be on a hobo car in 1965), and all of a sudden, he dreams of Kicking Wing Ass and debates him about the wisdom of selling weed, and then he dreams of Xander Kelly telling him he's dreaming, then he gets his kidney harvested, and then he's explaining one of those mooing cow cans, then he's spending 12 years on a desert island (that's actually Miami). Why the fuck does one scene follow another in this film?
- So, he can eat a jellyfish without any ill effects?
- Why do these girls have to end every line by calling Joe Dirt "Bigfoot?" Do they have the same disease George III had that made him end every sentence with "peacock?"
- "I just keep getting stupider and stupider." Finally, he's right about something.
- So, why does Clem not remember Joe Dirt in the original if he was a major partner in his mob operations?
- Why does he need to get back to where he met Brandy? By this point, the other Joe Dirt should probably be getting abandoned in the Grand Canyon about now.
- His balls were punched so hard that they bumped against his heart and ended in his stomach? And they can be yanked back in place (or rather, a bit lower than normal)? And the biggest issue is that they hang low enough that they can get flushed down an airplane toilet?
- This dog does not liik like he's got his balls stuck to a porch. And Brandy does not dress like it's 40 below.
- And now, Patrick Warburton is a ghost? And he's trying to sexually harrass Joe Dirt? And talking about bumper stickers? Dafuq?
- And what even happened to the time travel now? He went to the eighties and now the present day, I think?
- And why is Silvertown a slum? Is this going to be a It's a Wonderful Life ripoff now? And why would Mark McGrath have enough money to buy a town and then run it straight into the ground?
- Mark McGrath talks about Mark McGrath and compares tampons (to be soaked in vodka and used as suppositories) to iPods? Look, it's the middle of the fucking night, can I please go a single fucking minute without yelling "WHAT?" at the top of my lungs?
- Please tell me this isn't "Blue Monday" playing when Joe Dirt meets SluttyHot!Brandy.
- I am legitimately baffled at the fact that it's all just a dream. Dafuq?
- And why is the soundtrack listing in the credits so out of order?
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.