This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Movie 43. And it's not a movie I can go over like a bunch of other films, because, you see, it's an anthology film. And a very special anthology film. It was made over a period of several years, with each of the dozen or so films being made one at a time, with Charles Wessler using each successive short to lure in as many stars as possible, and being as accommodating to them as possible. In Richard Gere's case, Wessler was willing to wait a year before he said yes, and then he had to insist on making it a 4-day shoot in New York. Quoth Peter Farrelly, "They clearly wanted out! But we wouldn't let them. The strategy was simple: 'Wait for them. Shoot when they want to shoot. Guilt them to death.' It didn't work on everyone." George Clooney, to his credit, was asked to appear in one of the skits, and told them to fuck off. Eventually, they decided they had enough material and they released it in January 2013 to some of the worst reviews of the year.
Frame Story:
This is a very fitting metaphor for the film itself. A writer (heavily implied to be Charles Wessler himself) who keeps pitching these skits to an executive, staying long past his welcome, and irritating this increasingly annoyed actress with his increasingly desperate film pitches. There is apparently also a version that involves a bunch of teens trying and failing to find a banned movie called Movie 43, and eventually finding the skits and eventually destroying the world via their web searches. This version is not on the DVD I checked out, but the screenwriting one has to be better, since it's at least some good mirroring.
The Catch:
You remember that episode of South Park where Butters plasters a scrotum on his chin so he can talk to Maury about how his friends won't stop treating him like Kenny? It's basically that, except it has Hugh Jackman tea-bagging Kate Winslet, a baby, and a bowl of melted butter with his chin-balls and she's the only person who notices it. Without the chin-balls, it's a boring sophisticated rom com with nothing to recommend it. Also, apparently, this is supposed to be like The Help.
Homeschooled:
So, two parents are homeschooling their high-school-aged kids and giving them as authentic a high school experience as possible. So, every shitty thing you can expect from high school, they do. Bullying, arbitrary detentions, booking, making fun of weird pubes, pedophilia, getting locked out of a house party, smearing them with shit, incest, suicidality. It's so obvious. And somehow, the only real twist is that the most glaring dysfunction he's developed is that he's dating a mannequin (except that he's wished he was never born since age 12). At this point, I'm sitting with a dakimakura of Alison Lohman by my side, so I'm in no room to judge.
The Proposition:
How the fuck do you think a short film that treats being pooped on like it's a fucking marriage proposal is going to be? Also, Nick Cave and John Hillcoat want their title for a much better movie back?
Veronica:
Blah, Blah, Blah, supermarket kid is making sexually explicit announcements and has a disgusting and crass argument with his ex-GF over the intercom. Yada, Yada, you get it.
iBabe:
So, Richard Gere plays not-Steve Jobs and... and it's over for now.
Superhero Speed Dating:
So, it's basically a shitty version of the Adam West Batman where Batman and Robin have to deal with speed dating and saving Gotham from a bomb. Okay, fun fact, Axel Braun actually made a porn parody of the Adam West Batman called Batman XXX. It's good enough that it actually has an option to play it without the porn AND IT STILL WORKS. Point is, Jason Sudeikis is the worst Batman ever.
Machine Kids:
How the fuck did they get Arvo Part to soundtrack this piece of shit? Somehow, of all the celebrities who got roped into this, this is the one that truly shocked me.
iBabe:
And we're back: so, Richard Gere plays not-Steve Jobs and he doesn't see the problem with creating an MP3 player shaped like and feels like a naked woman, and putting a fan with the potential to mangle penises in the vagina. That's the joke. You know what, this could be a better alternative title for this film: That's the Joke: The Movie.
Middleschool Date:
So, in this installment of "That's The Joke," a 12-year-old boy and girl are having their first date, and the girl is having her first period. And the boys of the family are freaking out because they think she's dying, because of course. You know it's shitty when you can point to The Fucking Cleveland Show doing this plot better.
Happy Birthday:
So, Johnny Knoxville catches a foul-mouthed leprechaun and forces him to give him a pot of gold. The leprechaun is played by Gerard Butler. His brother was apparently set to be played by Colin Farrell, but apparently, he somehow got out of it and Butler had to do both parts. Also, there's a fairy who gives blowjobs for gold coins. Overall, the least predictable of the shorts.
Truth or Dare:
So, Stephen Merchant and Halle Berry decide to play truth or dare and do outrageous shit, up to and including turning Asian. Fun Fact: Stephen Merchant is the only person to not disavow Movie 43, and that's solely because he got to work with Halle Berry in this skit.
Victory's Glory:
Basically Remember the Titans if it played the "Black people are good at sports" trope so straight it could be used as a ruler. The black team wins 103-1, the one point only happening because one of them was dribbling with his foot and a half long penis.
Beezel:
Josh Duhamel plays a man emotionally cheating on his wife with a cartoon cat that's clearly not there. Son of the Mask did a better job integrating the cartoon with the live-action. Thank Jah that James Gunn got to do Guardians of the Galaxy the year after it was released.
So, since my state's on lockdown and I can't get into the library until it's over, I checked Netflix and Hulu to check and see which films were there AND horrible enough for the Project that I hadn't covered yet. My plans for the Deep Hurting Project in the next few weeks:
Frame Story:
This is a very fitting metaphor for the film itself. A writer (heavily implied to be Charles Wessler himself) who keeps pitching these skits to an executive, staying long past his welcome, and irritating this increasingly annoyed actress with his increasingly desperate film pitches. There is apparently also a version that involves a bunch of teens trying and failing to find a banned movie called Movie 43, and eventually finding the skits and eventually destroying the world via their web searches. This version is not on the DVD I checked out, but the screenwriting one has to be better, since it's at least some good mirroring.
The Catch:
You remember that episode of South Park where Butters plasters a scrotum on his chin so he can talk to Maury about how his friends won't stop treating him like Kenny? It's basically that, except it has Hugh Jackman tea-bagging Kate Winslet, a baby, and a bowl of melted butter with his chin-balls and she's the only person who notices it. Without the chin-balls, it's a boring sophisticated rom com with nothing to recommend it. Also, apparently, this is supposed to be like The Help.
Homeschooled:
So, two parents are homeschooling their high-school-aged kids and giving them as authentic a high school experience as possible. So, every shitty thing you can expect from high school, they do. Bullying, arbitrary detentions, booking, making fun of weird pubes, pedophilia, getting locked out of a house party, smearing them with shit, incest, suicidality. It's so obvious. And somehow, the only real twist is that the most glaring dysfunction he's developed is that he's dating a mannequin (except that he's wished he was never born since age 12). At this point, I'm sitting with a dakimakura of Alison Lohman by my side, so I'm in no room to judge.
The Proposition:
How the fuck do you think a short film that treats being pooped on like it's a fucking marriage proposal is going to be? Also, Nick Cave and John Hillcoat want their title for a much better movie back?
Veronica:
Blah, Blah, Blah, supermarket kid is making sexually explicit announcements and has a disgusting and crass argument with his ex-GF over the intercom. Yada, Yada, you get it.
iBabe:
So, Richard Gere plays not-Steve Jobs and... and it's over for now.
Superhero Speed Dating:
So, it's basically a shitty version of the Adam West Batman where Batman and Robin have to deal with speed dating and saving Gotham from a bomb. Okay, fun fact, Axel Braun actually made a porn parody of the Adam West Batman called Batman XXX. It's good enough that it actually has an option to play it without the porn AND IT STILL WORKS. Point is, Jason Sudeikis is the worst Batman ever.
Machine Kids:
How the fuck did they get Arvo Part to soundtrack this piece of shit? Somehow, of all the celebrities who got roped into this, this is the one that truly shocked me.
iBabe:
And we're back: so, Richard Gere plays not-Steve Jobs and he doesn't see the problem with creating an MP3 player shaped like and feels like a naked woman, and putting a fan with the potential to mangle penises in the vagina. That's the joke. You know what, this could be a better alternative title for this film: That's the Joke: The Movie.
Middleschool Date:
So, in this installment of "That's The Joke," a 12-year-old boy and girl are having their first date, and the girl is having her first period. And the boys of the family are freaking out because they think she's dying, because of course. You know it's shitty when you can point to The Fucking Cleveland Show doing this plot better.
Happy Birthday:
So, Johnny Knoxville catches a foul-mouthed leprechaun and forces him to give him a pot of gold. The leprechaun is played by Gerard Butler. His brother was apparently set to be played by Colin Farrell, but apparently, he somehow got out of it and Butler had to do both parts. Also, there's a fairy who gives blowjobs for gold coins. Overall, the least predictable of the shorts.
Truth or Dare:
So, Stephen Merchant and Halle Berry decide to play truth or dare and do outrageous shit, up to and including turning Asian. Fun Fact: Stephen Merchant is the only person to not disavow Movie 43, and that's solely because he got to work with Halle Berry in this skit.
Victory's Glory:
Basically Remember the Titans if it played the "Black people are good at sports" trope so straight it could be used as a ruler. The black team wins 103-1, the one point only happening because one of them was dribbling with his foot and a half long penis.
Beezel:
Josh Duhamel plays a man emotionally cheating on his wife with a cartoon cat that's clearly not there. Son of the Mask did a better job integrating the cartoon with the live-action. Thank Jah that James Gunn got to do Guardians of the Galaxy the year after it was released.
So, since my state's on lockdown and I can't get into the library until it's over, I checked Netflix and Hulu to check and see which films were there AND horrible enough for the Project that I hadn't covered yet. My plans for the Deep Hurting Project in the next few weeks:
- The Open House on Netflix, wherein Clay from 13 Reasons Why stars in what may be the dumbest home invasion film since Shut In.
- Furry Vengeance on Hulu, wherein all creatures great and small decide to fuck with Brendan Fraser.
- Also, I really wanted to watch the CGI version of The Ten Commandments for Easter. I checked and it's currently on Youtube. I hope to Hell it's still there Eastertime.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.