RE: The Last Movie You Watched
April 4, 2020 at 9:55 pm
(This post was last modified: April 4, 2020 at 9:57 pm by Rev. Rye.)
This week in the Deep Hurting Project is Furry Vengeance
Next week, I'm going to do what I can to make sure I watch the CGI remake of The Ten Commandments. In a sane world, I'd be going to the library to get it. Of course, that's no longer an option, what with the pandemic. Of course, it looks like it's on Youtube, and I really hope it fucking stays that way. After that, there's Disaster Movie on Hulu, Woody Woodpecker on Netflix, and, hopefully, I'll be able to find some of the other pieces of shit on the TVTropes list on Youtube. Or the library will reopen.
- So, a prairie dog is standing on pavement minding is own business, when a businessman in a red sports car yells "I do what I want!" just as he ALMOST runs it over. Instead of running away, It just stands there with this clearly composited-on CGI screaming face. Why do I get the feeling this is going to set the tone for the rest of the movie?
- Also, mustelids have apparently mastered the art of the Rube Goldberg machine.
- And now it turns out that Brendan Fraser's in the middle management of a green construction company. His antagonists are going to be the animals who live in the surrounding forest. Creatures who can't communicate in any meaningful way, so during the plotting scenes, we're subjected to... remember the scene from the Star Wars Holiday Special where we're subjected to Chewbacca's family having some argument and we have no idea what's going on because they're speaking in Chewbacca's normal dialect, and there's no subtitles? It's basically that. To be fair, a few scenes in, they resort to translating it into thought bubbles that display clips corresponding to what they saw, but still. And it doesn't exactly last.
- So, Fraser's living in a model home? So, my knowledge of this sort of thing is limited to Arrested Development, but are model homes supposed to be reasonably livable or was the deterioration of the model home in that one just a function of Bluth's shoddy worksmanship?
- "Tyler is Missing His Old Life" Why does he refer to himself in the third person in his Facebook updates? I like to think the actor is so alienated that he no longer identifies with his character in any meaningful way. Must be why his performance is so flat.
- Mom can talk to wild turkeys? Of course she can.
- So, I have the subtitles/captioning on by default and when the Asian boss speaks his native language, it says "[Speaks Gibberish.]" Could they not bother to get someone who speaks Korean to write some proper dialogue for Ken Jeong? Or at least Spanish, since he played Senor Chang?
- How is ripping out the forest good for the environment? That's a good fucking question.
- And despite the fact that the raccoon was there for the pivotal meeting where Ken Jeong convinced Brendan Fraser to help tear down the forest, they decide to latch onto him and not Ken Jeong.
- They're really proud of that CGI horned owl's head turn, aren't they? And they're clearly reusing the scene of the animals setting up that Rube Goldberg trap from the first sequence!
- Is Brendan Fraser looking so haggard just the standard ravages of time because he looks really fucking haggard in this film. Well, if his interaction with Brooke Shields' feet is any indication, at least he's a foot fetishist in this movie so I guess that's something.
- Chasing crows? Those are fucking magpies.
- Hot damn, he recovered from getting tossed from his treadmill, plunging head-first into the wall, and having his TV fall on him pretty fucking quick.
- Also, skunks are solitary animals and I'm legitimately surprised to see that they managed to gather more than half a dozen into a car voluntarily.
- Is this going to be all the movie is from now on? Just a set of elaborate set pieces of tired slapstick centered around Brendan Fraser getting humiliated by these animals who think fucking with him will keep their home from being destroyed?
- That senile teacher's hitting me a bit too close to home. She reminds me of that woman who taught my Women Writers' class, spent three weeks covering the same chapter in To the Lighthouse. And not even different aspects of that one chapter. It was like a Groundhog Day loop. I barely passed that class.
- Is that an albino vulture? And one that looks like an Old World Vulture that doesn't even live in the Americas? Also, since when do vultures have voice boxes? Or have any interest in attacking living things? Look, just watch this and be educated; they're fearsome-looking, but they're actually very docile, especially by the standards of birds of prey:
- They're really milking the "dots vs. feathers" Indian ambiguity for all the cringiness they can milk from it.
- And why is Ken Jeong speaking gibberish to Brendan Fraser all of a sudden?
- Also, this scene:
- Fun Fact: this afternoon, Alison and I just watched the Rifftrax Live version of Birdemic and literally the only positive this movie's execution has on that is that this time, when the love interest shows her feet, the leading man's feet aren't also in the frame.
- No, that Rorschach blot looks like an angry Raccoon, not an angry squirrel.
- And somehow, despite looking so haggard, he recovers goddam quickly after all the shit he went though the previous day. And, of course she doesn't believe him after all the massive shit he's done.
- You know, it's nice to see some acknowledgement of the Vikings' brief tenure in North America, but somehow, I doubt that they ever reached that far.
- Wait, this is supposed to be both the Rocky Mountains and Washington State? They're two different parts of the country!
- So, the steps inside his home are close to where he was sitting when he saw the grizzly bear, and yet he runs into a portapotty? And of course it tips it over. Of course. Well, at least it had the decency to wait an hour before playing the "toilet humour" card.
- And what's with that forest ranger who keeps trying to confront Brooke Shields over her husband's potential murder?
- "Does anyone have some Purell?" Well, this was a shitty week to watch this movie.
- And she still doesn't understand that he might be right when she fishes him out of an upside down portapotty in the branches of a fucking tree?
- Wait... that's a domestic turkey, not a wild one. They can't survive in the wild. Hell, they can't even reproduce on their own!
- And don't tell me he's actually missing the fucking animals that have been fucking with his life for the past hour.
- And fucking hell, they're treating him like the bad guy for wanting to get these creatures into cages AFTER THEY REPEATEDLY MAULED HIM. And he comes around to their point of view after finding out the raccoon has a family... even though they were never seen until now.
- Also, is there a reason the bad guys (besides the animals) are Asians?
- And why did Ken Jeong's lady friend say "you complete me" after the albino vultures decided to shit all over her?
- Why do they end on a Sugar Ray-sounding version of "Insane in the Membrane?"
- And why do they have Subterranean Homesick Blues-looking cue cards with the lyrics? And why is it that, of all the movies that use that device, the Lars von Trier serial killer movie that was an hour longer and had a protagonist with a body count of 67+ people and had half the audience of its premiere walk out was a far easier watch?
Next week, I'm going to do what I can to make sure I watch the CGI remake of The Ten Commandments. In a sane world, I'd be going to the library to get it. Of course, that's no longer an option, what with the pandemic. Of course, it looks like it's on Youtube, and I really hope it fucking stays that way. After that, there's Disaster Movie on Hulu, Woody Woodpecker on Netflix, and, hopefully, I'll be able to find some of the other pieces of shit on the TVTropes list on Youtube. Or the library will reopen.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.