This week in the Deep Hurting Project, the 2008-ish CGI remake of The Ten Commandments. It's on YouTube and I will be linking it here:
- (1:00) You know you're in for a bad start when you can't tell the actual movie from the cut scenes from the PS1 tie-in game.
- (5:20) I'm going to go out on a limb and say these probably aren't real hazards on the Nile.
- (6:30) He will be known as My Son. A very stilted way of saying you're going to adopt this baby.
- (7:20) Why does the royal esplanade look like it exists only in two dimensions all of a sudden?
- (8:08) And what the fuck was happening with Ben Kingsley to put him in this horseshit?
- Though I will give them credit for using the opening credits to show Moses from age zero to his young adulthood.
- (11:20) Is there a reason we're focusing on the creation of this big statue of Pharaoh?
- (14:05) Did they seriously mix up who killed who in the fight between Moses and that overseer?
Seriously, say what you will about the DeMille version, at least he was competent enough to keep track of something as basic as this. - And why does Christian Slater sound so much like Maurice LaMarche?
- (19:10) He goes from instant badass to dying of heat stroke instantly with no warning.
- (19:40) A stranger in a strange land. I'm sure that would be a good title for a novel someday.
- (19:55) Wow, that dancing looks so convincing and not like they're just dragging these models across the screen.
- (21:45) Well that's a really fucking underwhelming burning bush. And, no, I'm not going to make a joke about God asking Moses to take his shoes off. That's far too low-hanging fruit.
- (28:00) Why does everyone recognise Moses, even though they haven't seen him since he was a baby.
- (34:36) So the water has turned to blood and nobody would drink it. You just know that there's at least one who's like
- And why introduce the "let Aaron speak" point if Aaron's never going to say a word?
- (38:25) What the shit kind of running is that?
- (45:30) Wait, I thought Moses' big sister who protected him died while Moses was in the wilderness. Did they really not bother proof-reading their own script?
- (50:30) To be fair, they do save the best animation for the scene where Moses parts the Red Sea, like they should. It's a shame that their best is just barely passable.
- (51:12) The kid just sticks their head in the water while Pharaoh's Army is ready to attack.
- (55:05) A guy's suggesting the Israelites turn back, even after they decimated the army and the Red Sea looked like a dead end.
- (55:55) Kinda disappointing that they left out the part where Moses' hitting the rock is actually contrary to God's wishes.
- (56:30) Why is the sleeve of Moses' tunic
- (57:19) Why does the manna look like communion wafers?
- (1:04:10) You'd think they'd milk the Edward G. Robinson-ness of the character for all it's worth. Yeah, see, yeah. Sadly, they don't.
- (1:06:45) Funny thing, the famous 10 dictates are not actually called the Ten Commandments in the Bible. The only set of laws actually called the Ten Commandments in the Bible are here.
- Also, you'd think that God would give Moses the heads-up about the whole Golden Calf thing... Yes, I know it's in the original, but it's still kind of a problem.
- (1:12:10) And the Children of Israel have returned from being stuck in the Earth's crust none the worse for wear.
- (1:13:15) And to think that in a couple millennia, that Ark is going to do this to people:
- And why the fuck does the 1956 movie, which is close to THREE TIMES AS LONG AS THIS VERSION, have better pacing than this 84-minute film?
- (80:03) No one knows his resting place? Deutoronomy 34:6 says he was buried on Mount Nebo, although where exactly on the mountain is left unsaid. And you act like this is all that extraordinary for Biblical characters.
- (80:13) The only person to know God face to face? Um, why do I get the feeling that this is bullshit, especially given that Moses only sees God through fire or cyclones or shit like that.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.