RE: The Last Movie You Watched
April 25, 2020 at 9:49 pm
(This post was last modified: April 25, 2020 at 9:50 pm by Rev. Rye.)
This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Woody Woodpecker. It's a cartoon that's barely been airing since I've been alive (to the extent that I'm fairly certain I've seen Woody Woodpecker more in online encyclopedias of hate groups than on TV), and yet Universal still had the idea to do a movie based on him? This would seem to be a new low in the "Reviving old properties for nostalgia" well, but it makes sense when you consider that the Woodman is really fucking popular in Brazil, to the extent that sometimes, airing of his shorts have been known to preempt the Olympics. Odd that they'd try to pander to the Brazilian market, but there you go. And it explains why the baddie's girlfriend is Brazilian.
- "The Hell Kind of Bird is That?" That's a legit question.
- "Poachers: This will be fun." You know, this really sets up one of the big problems with Woody here: he's a fucking sadist and the makers haven't figured that out. He sees people only as creatures to fuck with (or maybe get free food from; after he tries to befriend a teenage boy, he explicitly states he's just doing it for the peanut butter treats). And since none of the supporting cast from his other media appear, he just looks like a big gaping asshole, and you might as well just call him Goatse the Woodpecker. You know what, fuck it, I'm just going to call him Goatse for the rest of the post. Funny thing is, if I recall correctly, they had a similar problem with him early on in the Lantz era, and they solved it by him only fucking with people who were antagonising him.
- "Home, sweet home, and noone around to bother me" And then he looks around sad, and then belches. What was the point of that?
- You know, the sad thing is the bad guy in this is actually better at being the exact same type of character Brendan Fraser was trying to be in Furry Vengeance. He's an asshole, we at least get some catharsis from the animals fucking with him. Or at least we wouldn't if Goatse wasn't, well Goatse.
- Are they seriously talking about building a 5000 square foot home in the middle of what looks like a national or state park, IN FRONT OF THE PARK RANGERS? You know what, fuck that, are they allowing it?
- Springsteen allegedly playing a Les Paul? Since When is The Boss a Gibson person?
- So, Goatse attacks the bullies attacking the kid, by pecking them and their clothes, then they're left in their underwear, and then he tells them "it's time to go commando!" First off, they're in their underwear, which is exactly the opposite of going commando. Second, isn't that a bit too adult for a movie for kids? Okay, so, looking at the trope page for going commando, it looks like there are examples of kids' shows making light of the issue, but, then again, Goatse makes a Tinder joke at one point.
- So, one of the poachers shat on the other's trunk?
- Also, apparently, the kid's joined a band and their setlists are exactly what you'd expect from a Woody Woodpecker movie. Including this song:
- And he attempted to start a fire in a Winnebago that STILL HAD A PERSON IN IT. Fortunately, she's back to normal in the next scene.
- Are they saying the poachers are dumb enough to build a giant shed/shrine to their crimes against wildlife IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING PARK?
- Why is Goatse kind of fooled by such a shitty arts and crafts project as this
And why does it look like the poachers centered their cage so poorly? - And what was the point of the sock on a stick the villain uses while trying to appease Goatse.
- So, the moral of the story is corruption is A-OK.
- Why does the banjo sound like a mandolin?
- Also, apparently, Goatse can do a good impression of drums with some pencils and tin cans. And he saves the day, despite easily being the weakest part of the performance and nobody even knowing he's there.
- Does he seriously think they're going to release Goatse back into the wild? He was already living in the wild for all his fucking life.
- The credits are starting and there's over 10 minutes left in the film. That's rarely a good sign.
- And the reason the credits started so early is they decided to play one of the actual shorts, specifically "NIagara Fools." I was ready to rip into this for daring to show one of the classic shorts and showcasing why what they were doing was wrong. Then I looked it up: this is one of the later shorts, one where it's generally acknowledged that the shorts dropped massively in quality, and given that it revolves around Woody repeatedly tricking a Niagara Park ranger into going down the falls in a barrel, often with very limited animation that doesn't even have the excuse of looking interesting. In fact, I'm convinced the first five times the ranger goes down, they just repeated the same fucking scene. And yet, in Brazil, it's apparently the most popular short. You know what, here's the Reverend's response to the entire Brazilian Woody Woodpecker fanbase:
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.