RE: The Last Movie You Watched
May 31, 2020 at 9:32 pm
(This post was last modified: May 31, 2020 at 10:29 pm by Rev. Rye.)
This week in the Deep Hurting Project:
This is a film made by exploitation filmmaker Ron Ormond, who started off directing exploitation films, turned to Jesus after a 1968 plane crash, and died. He went back to filmmaking, but this time around, they were even cheaper, more shamelessly exploitative, and exponentially more religious. The first of these films is 1971's If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?, a paraphrase of Jeremiah 12:5 into perfect Iambic Pentameter, and a synthesis of Jack Chick-adjacent religious thought and the most hysterical anti-Communism scare rhetoric possible.
This is a film made by exploitation filmmaker Ron Ormond, who started off directing exploitation films, turned to Jesus after a 1968 plane crash, and died. He went back to filmmaking, but this time around, they were even cheaper, more shamelessly exploitative, and exponentially more religious. The first of these films is 1971's If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?, a paraphrase of Jeremiah 12:5 into perfect Iambic Pentameter, and a synthesis of Jack Chick-adjacent religious thought and the most hysterical anti-Communism scare rhetoric possible.
- 2:40: Damn, the more things change, the more they stay the same, huh?
- 3:02: Communist revolution in 24 months? And to think that a bit longer than 24 months after this film was released, the film's first sequel The Burning Hell was released. And three years after that, the same team released yet another sequel The Believer's Heaven. They did not receive their own entry.
- 4:49: YEs, this scenario is a bit far-fetched.
- 5:57: You know, fun fact, I remember hearing an assembly when I went to Notre Dame, about a man whose friend was inconstant in his faith, then he went on Kairos and he became a priest. He was eventually killed by the Khmer Rouge. My response "you know what, maybe going on Kairos isn't a good idea."
- 6:18: And cue Billy Strange's tremolo guitar and Nancy Sinatra's voice.
- 9:00: Damn, do they not have those little donation cards and pencils? She could be playing Knife in the Water and making a more productive use of her time.
- 9:46: or Drop the Soap.
- 10:30: And of course they don't mention the seven erotic zones. And I'm going to assume that if feet aren't among them, he's just a charlatan.
- 10:57: I'm going to go out on a limb and say Estus just watched that episode of Breadwinners where Buhdeuce decides to go Roman Polanski on a girl in summer camp.
- 11:30: Or you can read a chapter or two while watching the TV. I do that sometimes.
- 12:31: Music by Henry Cowell.
- 13:12: 47% of returning vets use drugs. Gee, I wonder if this might have something to do with the hellish condition of the war. Or the hopeless nature of having to deal with a war where the enemy can be literally fucking anyone.
- 14:31: or they can just look up other churches.
- 14:47: There wasn't a single communist in the world in 1911?
- 15:00: And by a week, I mean about a third of a century.
- 16:14: COMMUNIST REGALIA DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY! GOOD NIGHT!
- 17:16: Do these Commies not have fucking cars? I mean, sure, it's not like the original USSR had a strange fetish for tractors, or that these communists would be inheriting the single largest automotive industry on the planet at the time.
- 19:00: What the fuck even is that accent? My Dad thinks it's Hungarian.
- 20:47: Why is Fidel Castro the communist leader of the US?
- 21:08: I liked this plot better when James Clavell did it.
- 21:36: Why do I get the feeling that if prisons were doing shit like this in your state, you wouldn't bat a fucking eye, Estus?
- 22:02: So, you're living in a country that's fanatically Anti-Christian, but are also a Christian yourself. Do you A) move to a more secluded space, like the Christians in the times of persecution had to go into the catacombs, or B) HOLD SERVICES IN THE MIDDLE OF AN OPEN FIELD? If the Answer is B, you might just be one of the people who made this film.
- 23:29: YAAA444Y. No more Bible Less-
- 23:36: Well that was a disappointing twist.
- 23:50: Why does getting bamboo rods in your ears make you puke some substance I'm fairly certain isn't vomit?
- 24:32: So, they have Jeeps. Why not use them instead of horses?
- 26:06: Now these accents have gone from Hungarian to Mexican.
- 28:00: There's no valentines between me, the Soviet Union, the PRC, or North Korea, but when I see these stats:
Maybe if they were across the lifetimes of Stalin, Mao, or the Kim Dynasty, they might be plausible, but there's no way in Hell all of them were Christians, especially in Korea or China.
- 28:24: And by "one of the top Communists in America today", I mean Denis Diderot. Maybe.
- 28:30: How does he have all this inside information?
- 30:13: And he's outlining his secret plan to deny his faith WITHIN EARSHOT OF THE COMMUNIST GOON.
- 30:23: I'd like to imagine the Communist goon having a sudden twinge of concern, saying something like "Your mother, is she suicidal?" And, on some level, he'd say this out of some legit concern
- 31:18: The Nazis didn't do brutal torture? Josef Mengele would like a word with you. Last Podcast on the Left episode 349 would be a good place to start.
- 34:27: Gee, that sounds a lot like what you're doing. This juxtaposition couldn't be more perfect if it were intentional. Or, for that matter, a fellow Independent Fundamentalist Baptist preacher was doing shit in a context very similar to the like this around this time. And while I don't know about any connection between Pirkle and Roloff, while, if Jack "The embodiment of my Jesse Custer Meme" Hyles had a guest appearance in The Believer's Heaben, a connection to Roloff can't be too far behind.
- 36:28: This sounds like the exact sort of conditions that allow a successful Communist revolution. Seriously, I've read that the big reason that it took until 1917 for ANY attempts at a Communist revolution to pay off is that, in the 19th Century, between brutal repressions, some governments (including most of the developed European Nations and the US) figured out that the Marxists had good points, and incorporated into their pre-existing capitalist systems. The nations that resisted the hardest, like Russia? They fell to Communism.
- 37:58: This has to be the worst cover of "All I Have to Do Is Dream" I've ever heard.
- 43:52: Well, that's clearly fake. "Wow! I didn't even have to fire! They just died and started spurting blood on their own!"
- 45:05: Now, he's gone full Deep South. It's almost like they were shit actors.
- 45:38: What dollar store costume did they get that knife from?
- 52:16: Yes, I will come. But first I have to finish dinner, take a bath, and fire up some Deviantart.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.