This extra film for the Deep Hurting Project is Holmes and Watson. It wound up becoming the first film (or among the first) to be added to the Project, because, by an extraordinary coincidence, it was released around the time I decided to cross-reference the films on TVTropes' So Bad It's Horrible/Film list with my local library's collection, it's the only film in the Project that's sufficiently British for my other job at Anglotopia, and, by a quirk of nature, it's the last comedy in the library list, and until they allow library materials to be re-circulated so I can watch the Atlas Shrugged trilogy, it's the last non-children's film in the Project (unless, of course, I have to resort to YouTube again, which, frankly, is a distinct possibility.)
So, let's get this out of the way, a clip that, if repeated throughout the film after every failed joke, thus padding the movie to about two hours, could probably improve the movie:
So, let's get this out of the way, a clip that, if repeated throughout the film after every failed joke, thus padding the movie to about two hours, could probably improve the movie:
- This film opens with a quote: ""Logic is the sword by which we slay ancient superstitions. But lo, the heart has its own truths to tell us." Attribution: Hannah Montana, Season 2, Episode 4. They're still making jokes about Hannah Montana in 2018. That should speak volumes about how comically vapid this film is.
- What kind of dog is this turtle? Is that a Borat reference?
At least it's a deep cut. - Well, that was an ass pull of an origin story.
- Why do I get the feeling that the British legal system isn't so incompetent that it'd let someone who's killed all the witnesses to his criminal activity. And the judge spends a shitton of time explaining how he bangs his gavel.
- Well, at least they get Sherlock's cocaine habit right.
- So, we've got a shitty montage of Sherlock trying on new hats, like a pimp hat, a cowboy hat, a pirate's tricorn, and a MAGA fez.
- How many masturbation euphemisms do we need so we can get the point? And how can masturbation lead to terminal illness?
- Why go on after Moriarty's gone? It's not like he's only appeared in a single story and that the sudden razor-sharp focus can be and has been chalked up to a cocaine fever-dream.
- They're spending a lot of time on a vomiting scene and they're not even showing anything.
- Seriously? They're still claiming that demons are the cause of mental illness in America? We're not that backwards, even then.
- What the shit kind of sexual fantasies involve running an ice cream stand?
- Goddammit, Sherlock puts on several false moustaches in a row, and Watson needs to be told it's Sherlock? Why, exactly, was this film made? In the decade prior to this release, we've had no less than three re-imaginings of the Sherlock Holmes mythos, so why do we need a shitty burlesque that I'm fairly sure wouldn't even have been funny when Nigel Bruce was playing Watson and this might have actually been relevant.
- Okay, fun fact: this film bombed during test screenings, so Sony tried to send it off to Netflix. And somehow, the streaming giant that released Death Note, Open House, Bright, Mute, and all these films decided they didn't want anything to do with this piece of shit. So, Sony was stuck with it.
- And to think that the telegram sex gag was already obvious when Desmond Pfeiffer did it.
- It's amazing, all the best jokes were in the trailer, and even those jokes were still utter shit, like the selfie stick that has a giant bellows camera at the end of it.
- Sherlock Holmes is dumb enough to think that TRYING TO FLUSH QUEEN VICTORIA DOWN THE TOILET is a viable option. Even if they just cut her up and flushed the remains down the toilet, that's how Dennis Nilsen got caught.
- No unelected leaders? Are we ignoring the Prime Minister? And insert thinly-veiled references to Trump here. And so they do.
- To be fair, maybe America did squander their freedom from the UK. Frankly, the only reason I'd be averse to Britain subsuming the American government is that the current PM is an idiot who doesn't know what side of a capo your fingers belong on. Well, that and I'm not a fan of their stance on Rule 34 or the qualified right to silence
- They're telepathic now?
- What do you know, they quote this line, implying that someone actually read the damn stories:
- Why is he singing? Why is this movie suddenly a musical about 67 minutes in?
- And how the fuck did I not know that Mrs. Hudson's played by Kelly MacDonald? Or that she's the one who's responsible for all these crimes?
- The climax takes place on the Fucking Titanic? The ship that famously sank midway through its only voyage, which took place well over a decade after Queen Victoria died?
- And the movie ends with Moriarty in Wyoming, and getting a telegram that Holmes and Watson are still alive (even though one would have thought that he'd have gotten word that his daughter's plan to kill the Queen failed), and it turns out that Holmes and Watson themselves sent it, and they're in the saloon with him and then they're not and I have no idea what's going on.
- Currently on hold, but the library isn't bothering to look: Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure
- In storage until I think November: The Littlest Light on the Christmas Tree
- Checked Out and therefore not an option: The Atlas Shrugged Trilogy, Space Chimps 2
- Viable Options: Dwegons and Leprechauns, Fishtales, Norm of the North and its first two sequels (a third sequel has been released but is not in the library's collection and a fourth is apparently still in production), Show Dogs, and Trolland.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.