This week in the Deep Hurting Project is Norm of the North 2: Keys to the Kingdom. So, somehow, despite how hated Norm of the North was, it made just enough money worldwide to justify a potential sequel. So far, in the past year and a half, THREE have been released. And, for whatever reason, the first one was two 45-minute sequels stitched together, almost like they stitched together multiple episodes of an aborted series, which implies an hour-long show, which is bizarre for a kids' show that isn't Sesame Street.
Part 1: Back to the City:
Part 1: Back to the City:
- So, they're making a Mount Rushmore in the ice with Norm among the past kings of the Arctic. Unfortunately, because the original is lazy as fuck, let alone these sequels that can't even be arsed to create new models for Norm's children, this results in a mountain with THREE IDENTICAL LOOKING POLAR BEARS carved onto it.
- So, Socrates is royal now?
- Why do I get the feeling that when Prince Charles ascends to the throne, his coronation will be much the same?
- And suddenly, with the switch to New York, the animation looks even WORSE than original. And the lemmings look bizarrely two-dimensional for a CGI film.
- And just when it looks like we had a good chance to dismiss the lemmings, they cannonballed onto his barge just to spite everyone.
- We're still not going to explain why certain polar bears can speak English?
- So, why is the mayor wearing a cologne so heavy that it's affecting Norm's allergies when he's like a couple dozen feet away?
- Why are the spectators watching the key ceremony doing the wave?
- A key for every door in the city? How the fuck is that a good idea? And how is something like that going to fit in every lock?
- No, you don't become a bear of the people by riding in a 40-foot limo, you do it by supporting real estate developments that actively try to destroy your home.
- And somehow, despite the glut of Norm of the North imitators, everyone assumes it's the genuine article immediately? Also, why would there being a glut of Norm imitators help Larry's career when it means he becomes one of many users?
- And what the fuck is the point of bringing these lemmings on for detective work if they're just going to play Rochambo and fart?
- Shnykies? I think you're referencing the wrong Adam Sandler associate. And Rob Schneider isn't in the series anymore.
- So, why didn't the rabbit explain that the robber's suit had a zipper to the media, even as his bank is next in line for a robbery? And how did nobody notice this on the security camera footage released to the media?
- So the bag of money has the same cologne as the mayor. Why the fuck is the mayor robbing banks?
- "A leader never apologises!"
- This climax has to be seen to be believed: it involves two choppers in mid-air, and Norm has to get from one to the other...
They picked the worst possible vehicle for this sort of chase since, if you're in range to jump from one to the other, you're in range to get turned into chili by the helicopter blade!
- Fucking Hell, there's an Uncle Stan in this movie. Fuck if this movie's going to remind me of a much better series in the middle of this shitty one.
- And apparently, just like Trump, the mayor was apparently in the pocket of Russia, what with the fact that he was shilling this particular brand of bottled water.
- So, how does the rabbit know the phone number of the PM of whatever the fuck this former Soviet Republic?
- Well, this is giving me surprisingly little to work with. It's just a stock hockey movie about Norm and company facing this not-Russian ice company off in a hockey game.
- So, why would they make a hockey team be robots?
- Also, why do I get the feeling that replacing all this ice is a matter of more than just dropping the ice back in?
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.