RE: The Last Movie You Watched
August 12, 2020 at 12:36 am
(This post was last modified: August 12, 2020 at 12:51 am by Rev. Rye.)
This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Trolland
- It starts off sort of good, with Dick van Dyke narrating the story of interactions between humans and trolls, even if Dick van Dyke's in his nineties and he's starting to sound like Skip Spence when he did "Land of the Sun" after about 25 years of retirement, and no doubt several years on first-generation antipsychotics screwing with his ability to talk.
- The second humans start to appear, however, the defects in the animation become abundantly clear: The movement is unnatural (like the least fluid movement I've ever seen in a film), the lip-sync is virtually nonexistent, and when characters are at rest, they move like they have some sort of neurological disorder, either like they're desperately trying to hide that that they have Dr. Strangelove syndrome or like they have tardive dyskinesia.
It's that awkward moment that you find yourself nostalgic for Kiara the fucking Brave. - Good thought, good deeds, good words? Are the trolls Zoroastrian?
- Is Dick Van Dyke's jaw merging with his walking stick?
- Holy Hell, that kid sounds like he's 40. And what kind of name is Freden? Okay, apparently it's actually Hayden. And why did his clipboard just fly into the hands of the bullies?
- So, why is the main troll so convinced that humans aren't that bad long before he met his first human?
- Well, I'll be damned, that "We are Passengers" song is actually pretty good. Even if it is spoiled by this nature walk with absurdly low poly count wildlife.
- Does that perky teenage camp counselor have a bald spot?
- And now we've got a scene where the lead troll and Hayden talk about how he's left home and warning him about the master prank to flood the picnic area, but it's ruined by the fact that, in addition to all the normal problems, it looks like Hayden's levitating when we actually see his legs, and the background keeps shifting WITHIN SHOTS, so a brief exchange about how the lead troll tries a not-Pop Tart for the first time comes across like he's trying something a bit more exotic... At least it would if the content wasn't so boring.
- Turning a kid against his friend is not a prank; that's deception.
- A trip to the front page of the Internet? But I thought Reddit already had a shitton of trolls!
- Got God on the phone, Said It won't be long, I see bugaboos, I see Styrofoams, my hood goin' brazy, where did we go wrong? I see bugaboos, I see Styrofoams, get Top on the phone.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.