This week in the Deep Hurting Project, the only movie starring Carrot Top: Chairman of the Board.
- You know what, Carrot Top hasn't even appeared on screen (Hell, his character hasn't even been born yet) and he's annoying me. Fucking Hell, I don't know if the record set by Pauly Shore was ever surpassed, but now it has.
- Also, how the fuck did he get that chemistry set in his mother's vagina?
- Why does that hair-washing machine have horn-rimmed glasses attached to it?
- To be fair, that is kind of my reaction to showers. Which is why I bathe.
- Is this what Freddy Got Fingered sounds like he's
- Tell me Jimmy Buffet didn't Okay this.
- Why don't these directors try to break up this fight in their audition of Annie?
- So, he's created a car with a built-in juicer, and the not-Rodney Dangerfield he picked up is surprised he's an inventor?
- "Man, nothing reminds me of my first time llike a chick crying."
- Fucking Hell, I've watched that episode of Rescue Me and I know that you don't put an eternal flame indoors. Even when there's a sprinkler system in the room.
- Wow. Sneezing human ashes. Can't he act like a civilized person and snort them instead?
- You know, this bringing up "You Light UP My Life" reminds me: which would be a happier experience? Watching this movie or Todd Solondz' film Happiness, which includes pedophilia, rape, murder, general mutilation, anhedonia, a kid's first ejaculation, and that sappy song sung by a Russian dude?
- Yep, he somehow invented vaping.
- Wait, the pocket protector protector was already invented on an episode of Saved by the Bell.
- Why are there nails protruding from a Jaguar hood ornament, which is currently stuck on the car with duct tape alongside something beige I can't make out because the pause button's covering it up and it's only on screen for a second? To be fair, that scene of him yelling and crushing his phone, only to conclude with "call you later" is actually kinda funny.
- What's with the multi-coloured smoke? Has a new pope been chosen? Did the kidnappers burn the booby-trapped briefcases, letting Yokohama's finest know where they are?
- Hmm, giving the workers a stake in the means of production.
To be fair, maybe holding Luau Wednesday at the beach isn't.
- Wow. You've just created a needlessly complicated catheter.
- Is this the first appearance of the Slender Man in cinema? If so, why the fuck is he Carrot Top?
- So, wait, isn't he already taking risks with these bizarre novelty inventions? Why did Bradford need to give him a pep talk to do shit he's already doing?
- So, the guy invented this device to allow men to breastfeed. Yeah, that actually existed already, and in a form that wasn't poorly designed.
- The love interest is wearing an Indian headdress. I finally saw Parasite last week and I feel like I should reference Da-Song, but I'm not sure what to make light of.
- And did he just call Courtney Thorne-Smith by her actual name?
- Why is Audrey II in his head?
- It's "Yea High," not "Yo High."
- So, after looking at Larry Miller's plans to sabotage Carrot Top's time in the firm, I seriously have to ask: won't the shareholders see him as enabling him every step of the way? Is there any reason for them to take him over it?
- It's a Hell of a lot easier to use clay pigeons when they're suspended by a wire.
- He's gone overboard? ... Well, fuck me in the ass and call me Maria Schneider, that movie's free on YouTube and I can actually cover it on the Project now.
- Is the farting lie detector shirt really necessary?
- So, he's spending his paycheck on extravagances to the point where he's getting broke again? Just saying, that's how many companies in the Dot Com boom fell a couple years after this movie was made.
- And why is that guy only radioactive when his shirt's off? Is this supposed to be fake?
- And Larry Miller calling Carrot Top on the fact that he didn't test his Real TV Dinners when he was the one who convinced him to forego testing in the first place proves my point.
- Does he not know how the word "moi" works?
- And of course he used this "Glo-Gunk" thing to fake a crisis. Of course.
- Wow. They're really stretching this "signing the rights to the company away" thing.
- Also, why does the glow-gunk look different from what it looks like on the TV? And why, of all movies, is this the one that explains that radiation doesn't make you glow?
- Also, this is apparently inspired by someone named Bijan Amin. I can find no information on who this guy is or why he's important or even relevant to this horseshit.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.