You know what, I'm not feeling well, and I'm going to try and get through A Talking Cat!?! for the Deep Hurting Project. Hopefully I can stay awake long enough to watch it all.
- Wow. It's the first line and you can already tell that Eric Roberts is literally phoning in his performance. And the funny thing is, he actually recorded all his lines in his living room in 15 minutes. Also, that cat looks absolutely nothing like the cat on the cover.
- You know, I'm kind of liking this sketchbook effect you're doing with this cat footage, but does this title song have to go on for this long?
- His name is Duffy? I actually had a Westie with that name, well, technically my grandma did, and his name was MacDuff, but still.
- Wow, this place really looks familiar, like it was Santa's summer house or something.
- I'm really fucking waiting for the Dad in this to start saying "no respect."
- And the camera is really lingering on this teenage boy's legs. It's almost like this is directed by a guy who also moonlights in doing gay cheesecake and the most salient difference between that and his kids movies is that the latter have fewer dudes showering.
- And if only you had a personality, this movie might actually be good.
- A bowl of milk would be great. As a cat, I'm lactose intolerant and for whatever reason, I'd really love for Leon Trotsky to turn my colon into his own personal Coyoacan. Oh, yeah, I turned a diarrhea joke into a reference to Russian/Latin American history.
- That was horrible? I've still got 68 minutes left of this shit.
- Nathan Rabin once said of this film that it had a budget of $1 million, and he's still wondering where the other $990,000 went. Maybe it went to Disney to keep the lawsuit away for that Background Music that sounds like a lot like "It's a Small World." Or that sample of Key Largo's dialogue. Christ, Blue Ruin was released the same year, had a budget 42% that this film allegedly had, and it still looks infinitely more professional.
- Wow. That girl's clearly as shocked by the fact that a cat is talking as I was by the time I found out Dad accidentally bought the wrong edition of Nosferatu for Christmas. And I'm certain most of that surprise is that the cat's mouth moving is clearly a shitty effect done in Aftereffects.
- Duffy can only speak to someone once. What the shit kind of rules are that?
- Yeah, learn to code, it's not like there's going to be a glut of people with those degrees, rendering them useless by the time you graduate.
- Okay, what movie did Bogie interact with the Danish? I have to check IMDb for that, and I found nothing. Or is he talking about The Dain Curse? Because that was only adapted in 1978, over two decades after he died.
- You'd think that this scene with Duffy talking and immediately clamming up when Chris comes inside would be a good time for the Dad to say "No respect." Or should I expect him to talk about the time he got so blitzed he thought his wife was Chris' older sister and that's how he was born? Crap, that was the mom who said that, wasn't it?
- "UN PINCHE DIA A LA VEZ" because when I want to make a movie for kids, I want to include a shirt with the F-word on it in a language that some people in your audience are likely to know.
- Then again, what is the audience for this movie? This talking animal shit really only has appeal for little kids and maybe furries, and the former will likely be bored to tears by all the talk about business and matchmaking, and the latter are still likely to just find it boring as all fuck because David DeCoteau can't fucking direct and 30% of the movie's runtime consists of establishing shots and scenes of Duffy just doing nothing (and, according to Tranquil Tirades, that's not an exaggeration, and this doesn't even include scenes of the humans wandering aimlessly up stairs, through the woods, and puttering about the kitchens).
- You know, earlier, the girl said she didn't read because who needed books when they had movies and TV. And they're studying Hamlet, a movie that was famously given an exhaustive adaptation in 1996 that interpolated as much of the original texts (yes, plural) as was possible.
- Wait, Duffy's talking to Chris again? Didn't he just explain multiple times that he can only have one conversation with any given person?
- Wow, they introduced a major character about a third of the way through the movie. And already, Tina's brother Trent actually has far more chemistry with Chris than Tina.
- Wait, is that peripheral for Tina's outfit-matching app a fucking booklight?
- Wait, did Duffy get run over by a car? And why does the scene of Bela Lugosi's death from Plan 9 look better executed? And why did they just cut to a shot of the sea? And for that matter, why does it look like one home's in the Pacific Northwest and the other on the coast of Southern California?
- And who the fuck is that other girl with the bowtie necklace? And why did they decide that Duffy's magic collar would help him heal, and why the fuck do they have to find it hidden in the woods, and why hasn't he been wearing it?
- What happened? We did something. Well, that explains it.
- Fucking Hell, Duffy's in critical condition and I'm already more infirm-looking than him.
- Yep, it's the credits, and we're still going to pad it out by about eight minutes by showing overly long clips from the movie you just watched. No, DeCoteau, you're no Orson Welles, and this ain't The Magnificent Ambersons.
- And now you can see how DeCoteau got the cat to actually cooperate with the movie: a laser pointer.
- Why is there a reggae version of "The Itsy Bitsy Spider?"
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.