This week in the Deep Hurting Project is a Netflix original called Bobbleheads: The Movie. So, basically, what if The Emoji Movie had even less of a reason to exist, and somehow Cher (who has apparently been waiting for a suitable animated role for 35 years and settled on this) and the director of Beauty and the Fucking Beast somehow decided to be a part of it? Congratulations, you get this piece of shit.
- Wow. They're giving the animation program a credit before literally anything else. That does not look like a good sign.
- Okay, everything I know about roller coaster design I know from Defunctland, but, somehow, I doubt that putting an egg in a seat is how they test it. Especially when there's no apparent way to harness it into the seat like happens in real life.
- And why do these models for the humans look so uncanny?
- Feeding their fish just one small pellet? That can't be enough.
- Also, what the fuck is with the baby repeatedly almost getting killed?
- So, they just decide to go on vacation at absolute random?
- And what are they even doing trying to orchestrate it?
- Why is this like a more mean-spirited version of Toy Story? If your story is just going to be that, why not just remake the Black Friday version of Toy Story?
- You know the appeal of real bobbleheads? You touch their heads, and they wobble for a few seconds. It's amusing for a few seconds at a time, but it starts to get old after a minute. And, of course, they decided to dedicate this to toys whose heads bobble with the slightest motion. Why do I get the feeling this could cause motion sickness?
- Aliens take over household appliances, including getting grandma getting chased by a blender? I wish I was watching that movie. Also, I think I might have seen that exact movie on MST3K.
- Is this movie going to be just these bobbleheads bickering among each other and maybe annoying these hapless rednecks for 82 minutes?
- Wait, was not-Roberto Clemente going to be a gift to the householders or was he stolen from the rednecks? Make up your mind.
- That dog's name is Dumpster?
- It's half an hour into the movie and I have no idea what's even happening or why- Did that bobblehead cat just shed actual cat hair into that cantaloupe?
- The redneck spent his last dime on a fucking bobblehead?
- So, did they just rewrap him while my eyes glazed over?
- A romantic montage that happens among a baby's toys. Fucking Hell.
- They won't leave without him? Didn't they intend to give it to them as a gift?
- So, what's the point of the redneck wife kidnapping her husband?
- Why is there a bobblehead high Council? Why is Cher part of it? Why does her head look like an oversized version of the Satan mask from that Mark Twain movie?
- Since when are they kind or compassionate? And since when did their antics actually do anything?
- Since when does Calm have a sleep story about being painfully eaten by an ogre?
- And why is a ride-on lawn mower in the house?
- They have no value, except for the fact that they're fucking alive? Like you noticed a mintue or two ago?
- And how did Cher hack into the big-screen TV?
- You know, I'm not a fan of Cher, but I have to ask: why isn't Cher singing?
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.