This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Caroline and the Magic Potion, a Spanish mockbuster of Coraline. I watched the original film recently, and so, now I'm ready to showcase what an insult to the original this movie is.
- One of the first things you'll notice: they're trying to look like the stop-motion of Coraline, even though it's CGI and they're clearly not talented enough to pull off the look, but they try by simply lowering the framerate. Now, I tend to cringe at the sight of high frame rates, but making the rate this low just erases the whole "illusion of images in motion" thing. And the fact that there's like five assets for everybody's mouth makes it look even cheaper.
- Did they kill and pickle Kermit?
- And why are snails singing a lawyer-friendly version of the Mission: Impossible theme? And why don't they understand the meaning of "quiet"?
- CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE GET A COUPLE BOXES OF SALT FOR THESE SNAILS?
- Why do these townspeople sound like rejects from Moral Orel?
- Who the fuck is that guy who wants to get a hand on the flying potion formula? And why is the cat-stoat thing staring at the camera?
- Damn, that's some precise landing on that parachute.
- So, how old are these characters supposed to be? Because Caroline is most likely a child, and her boyfriend looks like an adult.
- And apparently, having the bluetooth knocked off a guy's ear is enough to turn someone into a zombie.
- What even is pro-cellular fluid?
- Rule of thumb: never try to do a maniacal laugh if you're not even capable of conveying emotion.
- And why does she sound like a slightly higher-pitched version of Sandi from Daria?
- What do you know? The snails are actually good for something: giving the ingredients for the potion.
- And these interrogators are so useless they let Grandma call someone on her phone while she's supposed to be restrained.
- Why are they playing polka... I mean poker?
- Um, why are they bothering to torture Grandma? They want her formulas, they have mind control technology. Why don't they use it?
- Are those butterflies flying straight into the roof of the factory?
- So, what's the secret ingredients? Well, that's easy: two parts cesium, one part plutonic quartz, and 12 fl. oz of water. Crap, they're in Spain, so they don't know fluid ounces, do they?
- And now they know to use their mind control tech on Grandma.
- Hey, don't knock solitaire. I've been playing it every day for well over a decade.
- You'd think that slug juice would have helped stick her to the floor and not make her slip, what with it hardening with contact with air. Also, how did the snails get into the factory and why are they still alive?
- You know what, snails are now on my "burn it with fire" list, along with bees, ants, and crickets. And I don't think I've even seen a snail in real life.
- Illegal Video Surveilance? Given the surveillance state that's encompassed the whole world, I have to know what the fuck is so bad that that's illegal. Besides video cameras in bathrooms. And even then, they had to pan away from the dog when it lifted its leg to pee.
- Black liquorice is disgusting? Fuck you!
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.