This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Things. It's basically a no-budget direct-to-video Canadian ripoff of Evil Dead
- So, apparently, not-Philip Seymour Hoffman is begging a woman in a devil mask (who is apparently doing laundry) to have his baby. I'm only saying this because, if you watch the movie, the dialogue is almost entirely muffled by what I can only assume to be what Martin Rev from Suicide does to warm up. The fact that it sounds unnervingly similar to "Frankie Teardrop" at points doesn't help. Fortunately, I know this because I usually keep the subtitles on and it's practically the only way to make out what's supposed to be going on.
- And why is the laughter so echoed?
- Why did those railway tracks make the music growl?
- This title sequence is reminding me a lot of the driving scenes from Manos, but at least this time, the terrain is more varied and they actually remembered to put the titles on it.
- Yes, a porn star who's clearly reading from cue cards and is speaking in front of what I think is a wall of TVs (with two replaying the same image we're already seeing) in a Radioshack totally has the pull to talk with Gorbachev and Bush I.
- Why is a book about Leng Tche in the freezer?
- Also, how is that tape recorder still working after all that time in the freezer?
- Okay, so I haven't gotten around to Last Podcast on the Left's series on Aleister Crowley, did he actually kill anybody?
- Lemme guess, that movie is Evil Dead.
- The Bestiality Network? Somehow, this intrigues me.
- Wow, that torturing is totally believable, with that clearly fake hand being tapped by some metal instrument that I'm sure I have in the basement.
- Fucking Hell, Troma does better special effects than this and I think this torture scene is supposed to be a real snuff film.
- That looks far too normal to be a Dali painting. A Chagall painting maybe.
- Oh, look, a reference to "Last House on the Left." Subtle. As in outright saying the title subtle.
- Did that dog change breeds in between shots?
- And now they're just riffing other movies that I'm 95% certain are better than this one.
- Wait, is that 6 day-old bread of 6-month-old bread? Because there's a difference.
- Oh, yeah, there was a time when Night of the Living Dead wasn't public domain.
- So, what's this Sci-Fi novel about a kid named Harold who got killed and birthed a serpent that killed every torso in the town and why the fuck am I not reading it?
- The lights went out? It's actually a bit clearer than it was before.
- You get paper children by fucking a bag lady? That's not funny.
- Toilets are not related to power, so it'd still flush in a blackout.
- What even is that thing? A giant spider with mammalian teeth that barely movies and that you didn't notice when you were talking about the toilet? And why is it picking up high radio frequencies?
- Why is nothing happening and why can't I hear any of that nothing besides something that sounds like The Caretaker if it was made when Leland Kirby was still making troll music?
- What the shit kind of name is Tessica?
- Do these Things even move when the camera's on them? Are they like Jerri's dad from Stranger With Candy?
- Well, it's nice to know Amber Lynn's scenes actually have some bearing on the plot. Even if they are flat-out wrong.
- So, he thinks he can become a cyborg? You know, this could very well something like Irma Vep except for modern slasher films if they could at least chew some furniture.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.