This week in the Deep Hurting Project: The Mod Squad, a movie based on a TV show I have never seen. Its premise seems promising: three young people have to work as undercover cops to avoid prison. So, how do they fuck this up? Besides it being an R-rated adaptation of an old show that was barely even in reruns at this point?
- Good thing to note: I managed to get it just in the nick of time. It's going to expire at the end of the month.
- Pete's considered a lost cause. So, why is he a part of the squad?
- And Linc's gone from a kid arrested during the Watts riots to basically a less maniacal version of the Joker. At least according to the intro. You know, maybe remaking it during a time that wasn't full of civil unrest was a bad idea.
- So, getting some juvies to infiltrate places that normal cops won't be let into is a solid idea. But why stake everything on these kids? Because they're the protagonists?
- Good God, Claire Danes looks so bored.
- One of these days, Omar Epps is going to be 30. And given that he's 26 and looks it, that day's going to come sooner rather than later.
- Even when Claire Danes is trying to be interesting, she's bored.
- You know, maybe it'd be nice if we were given anything from these club scenes but some poorly-framed and poorly-lit shots of club life that just happen to feature Claire Danes and Omar Epps.
- And Pete, who was arrested for stealing a car in the original, fails spectacularly at driving during a car chase.
- And you let the perp go. Why are the cops supposed to like this plan?
- And Greer, the mentor cop whose idea this was, and who was a main character in the original series, is brutally murdered. So, why is there more than an hour of this movie left? Fuck , they're going to try and prove their innocence, aren't they?
- Man, that is the most boring-looking slow walk I've ever seen in a film.
- So, it looks like Giovanni Ribisi has noticed that sometimes, great actors stammer and slur their way through their performance. Unfortunately, he hasn't figured out why.
- You ever see someone slumped in a corner, holding only a bottle of liquor? Claire Danes is doing this for part of a montage, except with a 40 of Coke. Or maybe Crush. Are there any red or brown-coloured flavours of Crush?
- Wait, I'm confused, is his cover blown?
- Oh, look, Pete's going to a car wash and this means the soundtrack has to play "Car Wash."
- If he's this fucking hopeless with cars, then why did the cops think he'd be anything but a huge fuckup?
- Evidently, Claire Danes has graduated from swilling Coke to swilling proper liquor. And then turning the quarter-full bottle of liquor into a Molotov cocktail and blowing up Giovanni Ribisi's car for whatever reason.
- You know what, I'm seriously wondering why the cops decided these jackasses would be the best fit for who killed Captain Greer, the man who was responsible for them not just going to jail.
- In any other movie, this scene of Ribisi and Danes in bed would be a tender scene that helps to show character or further the arcs. In this film, it's just more padding. There've been long stretches of time where I legitimately don't know what helps to differentiate this from anything else on basic cable around this time (outside of more than a few F-bombs).
- S&M doesn't normally involve guns, dude.
- And they pull this theory that the cops were trying to enable drug dealers in their ranks and Greer had to die because of that straight out their asses.
- And their plan is to record an incriminating conversation that's just happening while they're just barely hidden behind a wall.
- And they couldn't even afford to license Coltrane's version of "My Favorite Things"?
- They're getting too old for this shit? When they're supposed to be teenagers?
- The 41-Year-Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall And Felt Superbad About It, wherein Craig Moss attempts to do worse than Seltzerberg one more time.
- Airplane Mode, wherein a brain-damaged YouTuber and his friends try to remake Airplane for the modern day and fail spectacularly.
- F The Prom, wherein the jackasses who tried to copyright the word React try and pander to the kids these days.
- Game Therapy, wherein the film industries of Italy and America collaborate on a video game movie so shitty that the only reason it got a DVD release is because people wanted a famous Italian YouTuber to review it.
- The Hottie and the Nottie, wherein Paris Hilton appoints herself as the arbiter of beauty and who's worthy of love, even though nobody'd give a shit about her if she A) wasn't born into an obscenely rich family, B) didn't make a sex tape in 2003, and C) wore underwear.
- InAPPropriate Comedy, wherein the Sham-Wow guy makes a shittier version of Movie 43. Yes, you read, that right.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.