Well, in commemoration of the CDC announcing a major breakthrough in the COVID-19 pandemic, this week in the Deep Hurting Project: Songbird, a movie with the dubious distinctions of being A) the first films in Hollywood to resume production after the initial COVID-19 shutdown, B) the first Hollywood film to directly deal with the pandemic, and C) the first Michael Bay film to actually be bad enough for the Deep Hurting Project*.
- 213 weeks of lockdown? So, I'm a few days away from my second jab, and the CDC recently said it might actually be safe to forego social distancing and masking if you're fully vaccinated. Fucking Hell, this movie isn't even six months old and it's already aging like wine. And by that, I mean it's turning into vinegar.
- So, anyone with a fever is taken to a quarantine zone? Even if they've got a fever for a different reason?
- Immunity passes? Anything like the vaccination cards that exist in reality?
- So, the introduction to this film is basically a series of infodumps like the audio montages at the beginning of Snowpiercer and Fury Road, and in addition to creating a bunch more shit that's clearly aging poorly, it seems designed to activate sensory overload. And somehow, we don't know why the Department of Sanitation is so fucking important.
- GodDAM, they've got a phone app to check for COVID. If only we knew how a fucking app could test for viruses.
- Would the populace need to be reminded that COVID-23 is airborne at this point?
- Why is there prejudice against those immune to COVID-23?
- Is that an orchestral cover of a DJ Spooky piece?
- And why the fuck is LA apparently the only place that's effected by COVID?
- Riding your bike indoors? Who the Christ thought that was a good idea?
- "Ice Ice Baby?" That's an easy enough song to cover if you can sing the lyrics with a straight face. Just cycle G-D7-C-C. I knew some guys in high school who did exactly that for a high school concert.
- A white girl potentially covering Celia Cruz on a livestream? That sounds eclectic even for me.
- You know, you could probably get a better picture by plugging your DVD/Blu-Ray player into the TV. Just sayin'. Also, I feel like I should recognise what movie they're watching, but the closest thing I'm able to guess is maybe some Danny Kaye movie, but he doesn't really sound like him and it's in black and white and all the Danny Kaye films I knew were in colour. And evidently, IMDb doesn't give enough of a shit to figure out what it is (though they care enough to list a Tim Pool livestream that talks about it.) Okay, so after forcing myself to rewind it and searching the exact words they used, I eventually figured out it was Quicksand and Danny Kaye was actually Mickey Rooney. Frankly, in my film memory, everything between his collaborations with Judy Garland and his regrettable decision to don yellowface for Breakfast at Tiffany's is kind of a blur.
- Is that the bad guy? He looks like a cleaned-up version of the bad guy from Too Many Cooks. And, god-DAMN, they're really trying to channel The Purge.
- "This aching hurts like Hell." Those are actual lyrics.
- And we still have people randomly murdering sex workers even in this pandemic. Who the fuck am I kidding? Someone killed nine Asian women who were apparently sex workers a month and a half ago.
- So, there's this pandemic that's gotten so bad armed guards are taking people away who test positive (and apparently, anyone who lives with them). Your lover is living with someone who's tested positive. What dost thou deau? If you guessed smuggle her out and potentially causing an outbreak, conglaturation, you're as dumb as everyone else in this film.
- Well, it's nice to know the Armitages went from performing the Coagula on unsuspecting black people to apparently forging immunity passes. And, frankly, I'm not sure which is worse. I mean, sure, you've got the killing of dozens-plus of black people so you could put white people's brains in them on the one hand, but given how crucial immunity cuffs would seem to be in this horrible timeline, perhaps this might be a bigger evil in the long run.
- What the fuck is the bad guy doing, making his best Scott Walker impersonation in a disused men's room?
- Most Americans think Puccini is a mushroom? You'd think he'd say it's a pasta. Puccini sounds more like a pasta.
- And who's the second ID for? Are they seriously trying to get an immunity bracelet for the infected grandma?
- Were you recording me?
- Why is nothing about this movie developed in any meaningful way?
- So, potentially immune people who are fine even though they'd be coughing up their lungs if they had the virus still get to go to the Q zone? How exactly does this work?
- So, the bad guy's the way he was because he was a garbage truck driver who ended up becoming this all-important guy because everyone else died.
- So, you're bringing someone who's potentially dangerous into a quarantine zone, and you're undermining trust in the immunity bracelets. Round of applause for this glurgey tribute to our essential workers.
- Also, do they legit not understand what a pandemic even is? There being no place to run to is kind of the point of the whole thing.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.