The Last Movie You Watched

[Rev. Rye]

In honour of Shark Week, this week in the Deep Hurting Project is Jurassic Shark.

• Seriously? Your big opening scroll is in Arial? This bodes very well for how much care Brett Kelly put into this film. 
  
• So these girls are trespassing on what I can only assume is some sort of rock beach.
  
• And she's still afraid of the possibility of sharks in fresh water? Okay, looking it up and finding out the Bull shark can actually live in fresh water, it's not that stupid.
  
• So, were those two girls eaten by the Megalodon? I think that was the impression they attempted to give, but they just said in the opening crawl that the Megalodon goes up to 52 feet in length and that water couldn't have been more than neck deep. How is something that fucking big able to eat two girls in such shallow water and go completely undetected, not just by the girls, but not even disturbing the surface of the water?.
  
• Well, at least they upgraded their font to Impact for the credits.
  
• A water getaway? Something as slow as a rowboat can't be that hard to find. Also, aren't they stealing a valuable painting? How is a means of conveyance where it can easily get waterlogged if you move in it wrong a good idea? And why isn't the painting even there? 
  
• What is there in the water? J.K. Simmons? Crap, they're going to do the shark through Raimivision, aren't they?
  
• And evidently, we're getting yet another group of idiot teens trespassing on the island. This is the fourth random set of characters the movie's given us.
  
• So, wait, this is a fucking lake? So, looking it up, it looks like it's theoretically possible if it's not totally landloc- Who the fuck are these people? Why did they introduce some random people in the middle of this other introduction of random people? This guy is evidently the Robert Altman of shitty shark movies.
  
• Okay, so now we know why they didn't show the shark until a quarter of the way through: it looks like shit CGI.
  
• So, this exhibition of the male gaze is apparently the best chaser for the shark attack?
  
• You've never seen a shark that ugly before? You clearly haven't watched enough shitty movies.
  
• Finding an illegal research center and signaling for help? This can't be a good idea.
  
• Naaaaaaaaaaaaants ingonyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaama bagithi baba...
  
• Why are you hearing machinery all the time? Didn't you just talk about the illegal research center that's on the island earlier in this scene? Was that random ripoff of The Lion King enough to make you forget something that happened less than a minute of film time ago? 
  
• So, it looks like they've gone from making a random homage to The Lion King to making random walking scenes that could give Gerry a run for its money.
  
• So, Random Group Of People  No. 5 are the same people as the thieves from earlier?
  
• Wait, didn't Megalodon only come about 23 million years ago and not 200? Like you said earlier?
  
  
  
• And we see nothing of the shark attack. Just the shots of the scientist walking into the water waist-deep, shots of a CGI shark, and then the girls are freaking out over the carnage that's apparently happening under that serene lake.
  
• So, the Vin Diesel looking guy pulls one of the girls out of the water only to throw her back into the water again? What, did he just want a chance to feel her ass before she becomes shark bait?
  
• Wow. That shark looks totally real and not like CGI so obvious you start to wonder why they didn't just make the shark a cartoon.
  
• So, I'm not too familiar with John Singleton Copley, but are any of his paintings actually worth $62 million? Even the obvious thematically-relevant choice they picked? Also, there's apparently three versions of that painting: one in Washington DC, one in Boston, and one in Detroit. Thinking about all the times they say "Sohrry" with a long O, I'm starting to suspect that this takes place near Detroit, which is famously only a bridge away (and a southbound one at that) from Canada.
  
• And now the fake CGI shark is making an obviously fake crunching sound like it's eating an apple and not mauling a human.
  
• You wasted all your bullets on a fish? Frankly, given that it's the #1 threat driving this stupid plot, it makes se- Is that shark jumping out of the water and eating that girl?
  
• And why is the idea of killing the shark so surprising to you? Didn't you just waste an entire round and a fucking bomb trying to get it?
  
• Well, that was a lucky throw. She threw that stick of dynamite right into that shark's maw.
  
• What do you want to do? I don't know what do you want to do? Well, there's 15 minutes left in the movie, why not bang? I wish.
  
• So, now it's turned into a commercial for Hogsback beer? And then there's two guys talking about how one guy wants to bang the other guy's chubby stepdaughter.
  
• LOL "FIN" GEDDIT? BECUZ A SHARK HAS A FIN AND FIN MENS "DA END" IN FRENCH GEDDIT I BET U DONT U FUCKERS!
  
• So, they spend the last 13 minutes of the film doing video credits for the entire cast? Seriously? That's the only way you can reach 78 minutes and 16 seconds? And when that's exhausted, they run normal credits at the rate of about a pixel a second? Well, at least when they do the cast again, the names are at least on screen long enough that I can check and see if any of the long foot shots of the movie ended up on Wikifeet. And, sadly, the only redeeming quality this film has is not on Wikifeet. Of the female cast members, only the female art thief has a page, and she wore closed-toed shoes throughout the film. And from what little I can see from the low-res photos on the page, that was probably for the best.
  

So, due to a depressingly shallow pool of So Bad It's Horrible movies on Prime that I haven't watched yet, it looks like The Hottie and the Nottie is a shoo-in for next week.