RE: The Last Movie You Watched
August 1, 2021 at 10:19 pm
(This post was last modified: August 1, 2021 at 10:24 pm by Rev. Rye.)
This week in the Deep Hurting Project: Sniper: Special Ops. It's another Steven Segal movie and one that may actually be even worse than Attack Force. Fortunately, it looks like he has about 10 minutes' worth of screentime despite being given top billing. In this one, he plays a Special Op sniper (because American Sniper) who's likely way too old and fat to be a part of any real-life Spec Ops team.
Fun fact actually related to Steven Segal: His martial arts discipline of choice is aikido, which is a pointedly non-violent form of martial art that focuses on protecting both oneself and one's attacker from injury. This does not seem like something very conducive to a career as an action star, although this may explain why he keeps losing all the fights he's alleged to have picked over his career. Maybe even why the only one I've heard him actually winning against was John Leguizamo, and even then, it looks like it was a real-life version of this scene from Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (at least one where nobody's acting out of character) from what I've heard Leguizamo say of it:
Sauce:
I'm not saying I could kick Segal's ass, but I think it might be possible if I'm given enough time to prepare and he isn't.
Also, speaking of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, next week in the Project will be The Haunting of Sharon Tate, because it turns out next Sunday falls on the 52nd anniversary of Sharon Tate's murder. Or maybe a day prior to it, since Tate and the other four people at 10050 Cielo Drive that night were killed after midnight on August 9.
- And they couldn't get the helicopter to look like it wasn't obvious CGI.
- Okay, this could just be me, but what's the point of giving a warning shot to the guy's hip flask, thus alerting them to your presence and giving them a chance to flee? And, as a likely Muslim, what's he even doing with that hip flask?
- Also, way to keep Segal in one location during this operation; it makes sure you don't have to use him any more than you have to. Which, given that I've heard he even uses a stunt double just to go up and down stairs in this film, is probably a prime concern for the crew.
- "No Joy on the Package?" This sounds like some shitty sort of double entendre, but we don't even know what either meaning is even supposed to be. The sort of emotionless handjobs that Yorgos Lanthimos seems contractually obligated to put in his films?
- I can understand about a third of this military code speak, and even that third, I can barely understand what relevance it has to do with anything. And yet, it's made up most, if not all, of the dialogue in the film so far. I don't even understand what this opening mission is supposed to be.
- And at this point, I find myself wondering how the whole "Segal as SpecOps sniper" could have worked. Probably he'd have to be a retired sniper hired on for an advisory role in an extra-special operation that nobody on the current force can do as well, and maybe even have to deal with PTSD from his past missions, which would, naturally, have to be fake shemped in to the film as flashbacks. But then, knowing that this is the same guy who requires stunt doubles just so he can go up and down the stairs, I'm not even sure he can do PTSD properly.
- Oh, look! Segal actually appeared for like a second in that scene. At least 10 minutes after I last saw him.
- Why the fuck is this opponent of military spending even in a war zone in the first place? And, if he was kidnapped, why the fuck?
- Fucking Hell, Steven Segal looks almost exactly like Walter Sobchak. And is it weird that I'm finding myself wondering if John Goodman might make a better action star than Segal?
- Pointing out your plot holes does not make them go away, especially if the plot hinges on them.
- Lemme guess, he wears those sunglasses so that nobody notices he's not even bothering to emote?
- Yes! Segal's stair double is every bit as obvious as I've heard it would be! Thank you, Chris Romrell!
- Huh. Wasn't this a movie about a sniper? It's a shame there's been zero sniping since the opening scene and I'm over halfway through the movie.
- Oh, look, it's about ten minutes to go in the movie and only just now is sniping coming back. And even then, it's largely a close-quarters firefight with Segal acting as a support sniper.
- Are you as good as everyone says you are? Every once in a while. Sounds about a accurate view of Segal's career.
Fun fact actually related to Steven Segal: His martial arts discipline of choice is aikido, which is a pointedly non-violent form of martial art that focuses on protecting both oneself and one's attacker from injury. This does not seem like something very conducive to a career as an action star, although this may explain why he keeps losing all the fights he's alleged to have picked over his career. Maybe even why the only one I've heard him actually winning against was John Leguizamo, and even then, it looks like it was a real-life version of this scene from Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (at least one where nobody's acting out of character) from what I've heard Leguizamo say of it:
Sauce:
I'm not saying I could kick Segal's ass, but I think it might be possible if I'm given enough time to prepare and he isn't.
Also, speaking of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, next week in the Project will be The Haunting of Sharon Tate, because it turns out next Sunday falls on the 52nd anniversary of Sharon Tate's murder. Or maybe a day prior to it, since Tate and the other four people at 10050 Cielo Drive that night were killed after midnight on August 9.
Comparing the Universal Oneness of All Life to Yo Mama since 2010.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.
I was born with the gift of laughter and a sense the world is mad.